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2021 Nutshells, Family, Florida, Travel

The outdoor weekend excursion planning checklist

February 2, 2021 No Comments

All right! The weather is finally starting to turn a little more spring-like. That means we native Floridians are less likely to die of frostbite or hypothermia when we take the garbage to the curb. (Almost didn’t make it back last week. Lost three toes.) This also means we can begin venturing back into the wilds in search of adventure through hiking, kayaking, fishing and for some really extreme types, cross country cornhole.

So, as you begin to consider what outdoor adventures you might search out as the first twinklings of spring arrive, I’ve put together a checklist of items to help you begin planning your outdoor weekend excursions:

• Taking your dog with you will be an excellent idea and a truly enjoyable experience … right up to the moment that she throws up all over the back seat because she remembers how as a puppy she used to get motion sickness. It is important to keep in mind at moments like this: The idea was truly terrible and someone else should be blamed for it.

• When you head out with family and set a time to leave, remember this: They always stop for coffee and donuts. So, add two hours to your actual departure time and plan to sleep in.

2021 Nutshells, Coronavirus, Family, Florida, Health, Technology

Winning the COVID-19 vaccine lottery

January 25, 2021 No Comments

Fireworks rang out. Ticker tape fell from the ceiling. A line of dancing penguins waltzed across the room waving flags that read, “You did it!” and “Congratulations!” U2 burst from a closet singing their great rock anthem, “It’s a Beautiful Day.”

Oh, yes. Yes, it truly was.

We had just scored family members COVID-19 vaccines. The most exclusive ball of the season. The rock star event of the year. The Holy Grail of health.

“Wow!” my wife said. “It’s like a ‘We won the lottery’ rush!”

Well, maybe not quite that. Someone in Michigan just took home a billion dollars in Lotto. He or she can afford to get the vaccine while riding in a gold-plated rocket.

But, still pretty darn exciting. Our own lottery win.

Maybe you know what I’m talking about. The feeling? Along with frontline workers, anyone 65 and older is eligible for the COVID-19 vaccine. But just satisfying the age requirement is the easy part. Getting the actual shot is where the trick comes in. Here in Florida, it means trying early in the morning to snag one of the availabilities in our county’s online reservation system. Frantically searching out days or times for available “shot slots” in the hope that you will be one of the lucky souls to come away with an appointment.

2021 Nutshells, Coronavirus, Family, In the News, Technology

Hey Tech geeks: It’s time for The Magic Explainer

January 18, 2021 No Comments

After a year of technological inventions that helped us better navigate the pandemic, 2021 is looking to be a bit of a let-down. Proof can be found in the recent 2021 Consumer Electronics show – a debutante ball of sorts for the latest and greatest gadgetry. This year’s event showed off everything from a toilet that can tell you about your health (I won’t explain how!) to self-opening pet doors activated by an app on your phone.

Revolutionary? Life-changing? Or a sign that the geeks in the lab are getting bored and running out of ideas?

Why not more pragmatic and simple tech like we got in 2020 when videoconferencing, health apps and other ingenious advancements made our lives better? More connected. More livable.

You know, things we really need. Like a Magic Explainer. That’s my idea. Think of it: A device that dispenses advice, wisdom and a host of explanations for problems that are stymieing us.

Wouldn’t that be great?!?

I know what you’re thinking: We already have virtual personal assistants like Siri and Alexa. But for me, they’re too passive. Always waiting for us to call them. Better at direct commands and helping with everyday tasks. They lack initiative, and don’t know when to insert themselves in situations to be more useful to us.

2021 Nutshells, Animals, Family

On becoming ‘those’ crazy animal people

January 11, 2021 No Comments

We’ve become “those” people.

I realized this in the checkout lane of the grocery store while the cashier ran my goods over the scanner.

He was making idle chit-chat. As he scanned a large pack of crunchy kitty treats he said, “Got a cat, eh?”

I realize now the correct answer. The reasonable, maybe even sane answer. It would have been something along the lines of: “Yep. Sure do.” And that would have been the end of it.

Instead, I replied, “Yeah. He’s a deaf stray with only three teeth. I don’t know why he loves these so much. Can’t crunch them with only three teeth. Chuckle-chuckle. But, you know, kitty gets what kitty wants.”

Did I actually just say that?!?

The cashier stopped and stared at me. He had his mask on, but I know underneath his mouth was agape. He was trying to figure out something to say. Anything. Finally, he managed, “Yeah, OK, so … got any coupons?”

2021 Nutshells, Coronavirus, Family, Florida, Holidays

A jelly jar’s worth of memories from 2020

January 4, 2021 No Comments

We started a new tradition last year. In January 2020. You know “that” year. The little goblin. The stinker. Someone got it in their head that it would be a good idea for our family to chronicle each week’s “highlights.” Seemed like a good year to launch it, back when things first got started in 2020. So full of promise. A big, bright horizon ahead. Lots to look forward to and record for posterity.

And it probably would have been a good idea … ANY OTHER YEAR!

Each Sunday we would gather around the table for dinner – mother father and daughter jotting down our favorite memories, highlights or pretty much anything worth mentioning from the previous week. We would write them on a piece of paper, fold it up and put it in a glass jelly jar. The idea was this: a year later, on New Year’s Eve, we would open up the jar and as a family, read through all the little highlights. Remember all that had transpired in the passing year.

A jar full of remembrances. A 2020 time capsule.

What a great idea! Cue sound of blowing raspberry.

Of all the years.

But we did it. Not all year. There were huge gaps – whole weeks, and even months missing. A little spotty, but the jar filled nonetheless.

2020 Nutshells, Coronavirus, Family, Holidays, Technology

A little closer together this Christmas thanks to tech

December 28, 2020 No Comments

It sounded like someone playing the bagpipes on a cat. Out of tune and out of time. Discordant.

I looked up the definition of “discordant.” It said sounds that are “harsh and jarring because of a lack of harmony. Ie., playing the bagpipes on a cat.”

The melodious mess emanating from my computer speakers took place on Christmas Eve. Across Zoom. A family stretched through three states – Florida, Virginia and New York – all gathering together to sing – for the sake of the story, we shall call it “singing” – Christmas carols.

Even without the coronavirus, many wouldn’t be together on Christmas thanks to the distance or the cost or other familial commitments. But now, here they were, joining one another for songs likes “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” and “Jingle Bells.” Butchering them.

But if not in key, definitely in unison.

Thank you, 2020. This year, you taught us that technology could finally live up to its promise of bringing us closer together. That it could be useful and essential, not just cool, gimmicky and an escape. Most of the time we think of tech as transporting us away – in revolutionary video games, in the promise of perfect pictures through ever-thinner TV screens, in isolating wireless earphones.

2020 Nutshells, Coronavirus, Family, Holidays, In the News, Parenthood and Children

Reflections on 2020: A @#!%$ year like no other

December 21, 2020 No Comments

It was a pretty haphazard, thrown-together Christmas card. Conceived, shot, produced and sent to the store for printing in no time at all. We’re talking less than an hour. Maybe a record!

We crowded around the Christmas tree in whatever we were wearing. We had a dog, a cat, a chicken and a blind Florida yard lizard. All the while a camera on a crooked mount fired off photos. The lighting was mediocre at best. We took at most five shots, found one where the dog didn’t look deranged and then uploaded it to a digital Christmas card template with holly around the edges. We sprinkled in some words my wife heard somewhere:

“It’s fine. We’re fine. Everything is fine.”

It sounded like a song. A refrain. Something a kid says after launching himself on a bike off a wobbly ramp and plowing face-first into the dirt. Pop-up as quick as you can like nothing catastrophic just happened. Lift your hands high into the air to show your bones are still nominally attached. Smile through the terrible pain, and the fact that some gravel is now permanently affixed to your skull. Scream out in sing-song fashion: “It’s fine. We’re fine. Everything is fine.” Then collapse in a heap and wait for the sirens to arrive.

All-in-all, kind of sums up 2020, doesn’t it? Just get through it. Get done with it. As quick as you can. As best you can. Everyone will give you a pass. It’s a COVID-Christmas. NEXT!!!

2020 Nutshells, Coronavirus, Family, Holidays

The last-minute gift-giver’s guide to Christmas

December 14, 2020 No Comments

It happens every year. You wait too long to get Christmas gifts for family and friends, and you realize you’re in mortal danger of having to handout rolls of quarters. And thanks to COVID-19, this year it’s even worse. Gift delivery is backed up, shortages abound everywhere and the thought of going to stores sounds both risky, but also like something a Neanderthal might do. I mean, what is this? 2019?!? So, I thought I would share a few simple, last-minute gift ideas, including some that DIY-ers in desperate straits could whip up in a hurry.

• Take an example from the kids and actually make something for loved ones and friends. Try finger-painting portraiture or making a sculpture of Alexander Hamilton out of glued-together macaroni. It works for them, why can’t it work for adults, too?

• Better yet, put the kids to work making gifts for you. They love that kind of stuff. And if you don’t have kids, try the neighbor’s children down the street. They look artsy and in need of something to do.

• Extension cords. I can guarantee that if you give anyone an assortment of indoor and outdoor extension cords in all manner of lengths and duty ratings, plus timers and splitters, they will love you forever.

2020 Nutshells, Family, Florida, Holidays, Parenthood and Children

The magic of Christmas decorating with dead lights and lizards

December 7, 2020 No Comments

Ah, the decorating for Christmas. Nothing speaks more to who you are as a person, not to mention your familial skills, than how you handle the annual tradition of turning your home into a holiday extravaganza. Most see it as a festive, joyous occasion that lets family come together and bond. Hooray!

OR … a complete disaster when everything goes wrong and two lizards get loose in the house. Because … yeah … 2020. Booo! But I imagine these are common events as people dress up their domiciles for the holidays. How many of these traditions did you cross off your to-do list this year?

• Only in Florida do you get lizards perched atop a Christmas tree like the traditional star, or maybe even a Baby Jesus. In other parts of the country you might worry about snow or leaves or even squirrels getting lodged into your tree. But Floridians have to think about shaking out reptiles. I didn’t, so we ended up with two of the little buggers running around and needing to be corralled. “Oh, just leave him,” my daughter pleaded. “Look how majestic he looks up there surveying the land.”

• Then there are the Christmas tree lights that don’t light. That’s OK. Nothing lasts forever, and thank goodness they supplied extra bulbs and fuses. But I ask you this: In all your years of Christmas decorating, have you ever got a string of lights to spring back to life thanks to extra bulbs and fuses? I never have. I immediately turn to the fuses, always thinking, “Hey. I’m Mr. Fixit. I’ll save the day because I know stuff and my family will celebrate me as a hero!” What I don’t know is that replacing fuses that are about the size of dust mites requires the same kind of microsurgery equipment found only in the top hospitals.

2020 Nutshells, Family, Parenthood and Children

Coming to terms with a daughter driving … and soon!

December 1, 2020 No Comments

All year long, it’s been months away. Plenty of time to plan for it. To ponder its meaning and significance. To get myself mentally prepared. To decide how best to handle it. Or even avoid it. You know … how to make sure it NEVER happens.

“That’s 11 months away. Plenty of time.”

“Not really thinking about it. We still have 8 months before that’s an issue. An eternity in dog years!”

“Sure it’s coming, but it’s still half a year from now. And I’m able to put it out of my mind fairly easily … thanks to bourbon.”

And I would have successfully kept going like that if not for the ticking of time, and stubborn family members who keep asking: “So, Brian! What are you doing about your daughter’s birthday?”

“Um … who? ‘Daughter,’ you say? Don’t remember having one.”

“Yes, you do. The pretty one? With the brown hair? The one who is, you know turning 15 and will be able to get her learner’s permit to drive?”