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2019 Nutshells, Animals, Houses, yards and projects

A few rules for the porch cats

July 24, 2019 No Comments

So, let’s just get something straight you two: YOU’RE PORCH CATS!!!

By definition, that means you live on my porch. That means I have ceded a little bit of my territory – my land, my homestead, the property that I pay a mortgage on every month – to your furry little behinds. Out of the goodness of my heart. As repayment to my wonderful neighbor down the street, who we lost last year. Your previous owner. A terrific woman. And because of that, we let you migrate down the block and take up residence here, on our porch.

But here’s what I’m trying to explain to you … it comes with responsibilities! Certain guidelines. You don’t just get to live here rent free. (Well, that’s not exactly true … you ARE living here “rent free.” In fact, I’m losing money on the deal! Which brings me back to my point …) You two might be pleasant, enjoyable and awfully sweet, but you need to accept a couple of rules that I’m laying down.

For starters, throwing up on the porch – your home!!! – is strictly forbidden. I mean, this should go without saying. Why would you even do that?!? There is a whole huge yard out there where you can do frankly whatever you want. Why do it here? Where people walk! Because, here’s the thing: We don’t always look where we are stepping. Especially when it’s early morning. A little dark out. And I just want to get the newspaper. See where I’m going with this? You think that’s a pleasant morning greeting?

2019 Nutshells, Family, Houses, yards and projects

All the highs and lows of a week off at home

July 19, 2019 No Comments

Take a week off in the summer, but don’t go anywhere and you will experience a rainbow of highs and lows. Sometimes there’s nothing better than bumming around the house, hanging with the family, getting little projects done and doing some of the things that bring thousands of people here to the Nation’s Oldest City. Those are the highs. But a week at home – bumming around the house, hanging with the family, getting little projects done – can also come with some … lesser moments.

High: You can get up early each morning and go to the beach with your family before its gets too hot or the tourist hordes descend, snagging the best spots and soaking up all the seawater.

Low: Your family couldn’t get up and moving early if there was an earthquake rattling them out the door. Shoot, your idea of early differs from their idea of early by about 5 hours.

High: You can finally re-paint your daughter’s room, like you’ve been promising, which will bring great joy and a resounding sense of accomplishment and pride. Good job!

Low: You hate painting! I mean, you HATE it!!! Remember that time you stubbed your toe on a sofa and it tore your big toenail 3/4s of the way off? That was like a pleasure cruise in comparison. After you stopped screaming and finally regained consciousness, it slowly got better. But how can a little painting leave you sore in parts of your body you didn’t even know you had?!?

2019 Nutshells, Family, Parenthood and Children

The father-daughter epic superhero bonding experience

July 10, 2019 No Comments

The rest of the audience in the crowded theater had already moved on. “Spiderman: Far From Home” was over. The credits started rolling. A mid-credits scene came and went. Ooh-ahh. And then they headed for the exits as more credits streamed by.

“Hold on,” I told my 13-year-old daughter who started getting up. I used my “super spy” voice, which actually sounds kind of creepy. “There’s another post-credits scene at the very end. After ALL the credits. Like 30 minutes of credits. And I already know what it is. It’s probably not even worth it. You want to stay to see it?”

“Sure,” was her answer.

SCORE!!!

2019 Nutshells, Family, Holidays

Don’t get blown-up by legal fireworks … the world will laugh

July 3, 2019 No Comments

Here’s a life lesson – one of those, “Listen up, children, and you’ll grow up to be old and gray:” Never set off fireworks under a grapevine arbor. Not the kind of high-powered, military-grade types that will bring down drones in mid-flight. BUT ALSO not the low-powered kind you get at convenience stores and have cute, little drawings of smiling kitties and daisies.

I hope you all followed the rule this year. Last year we didn’t, and learned it leads to another lesson: Don’t get blown-up by legal fireworks … the world will laugh.

As I write this, I have no idea what is in store for me this year’s Fourth of July. My deadline was early in the week. So all I know as I write this is my mother bought a bunch of fireworks for the big shindig she hosts on Independence Day. Lined up in her garage were quite a selection of goodies: A duck that laid eggs (no idea who thinks these up, or how that one will go.) A truck that drives and launches mortars from its payload. A couple of rockets on red sticks that look capable of bringing down a drone in mid-flight.

“I bought them for the kids,” she said. “They’re all legal and safe and perfectly age-appropriate.”

2019 Nutshells, Animals, Running

The dog-infused morning fitness regime

June 26, 2019 No Comments

Goal: New morning fitness regime

Action Plan: Wake up at 5 a.m. everyday, do some pushups and then go for a run when it’s still cool outside and my polyester running shorts are less likely to spontaneously combust. (That sure is getting expensive!)

Day 1
5:00 – Alarm goes off. Check to see if it is phone or fire alarm. It’s phone … hello snooze button! Lay head back down for just a minute …

7:42 – Wo! Going to be late to work … start New Morning Fitness Regime tomorrow.

Day 2 (Note: Started taking care of brother’s dog today while he is on vacation. Good timing.)
5:00 – Alarm goes off. Wait a minute … that’s not an alarm. That’s some … stinky, hot dog breath … IN MY FACE! “OH MY GOSH ELLA! You shouldn’t be in here. Why are you standing on the bed? Wait a minute … it’s only 4:33! Get out!” Lay head back down for just a minute …

Real 5:00 – Alarm goes off. Check to see if it is phone or fire alarm. It’s phone … hello snooze but– … “OH MY GOSH, ELLA! WHY ARE YOU BACK IN HERE!?! GET OFF THE BED!!!” … start New Morning Fitness Regime tomorrow.

2019 Nutshells, Animals, In the News

The power of that K9 inner eyebrow raise

June 19, 2019 No Comments

I’m on to you dog, you wrinkled-brow dung weevil. I get what you’re doing. You and your ancestors. Centuries of evolving to this perfectly effective state. Diverging from your cousins, the wolves, thanks to a little muscle in your forehead that gives you super powers. Able to mimic our human emotions, and prey on our generosity and gullible-ness and the fact that we find woodland critters with personality utterly irresistible. Mirror images of us, but like cartoon characters.

And we’re suckers. We’ll give you anything when you pull off that wrinkled-brow cute stuff. Another snack. A spot in our bed. The keys to the car. A place in the will. I once grilled you a steak with graham crackers on top!

But I’m wise now, buddy. I’m on to you.

It’s thanks to new research I read about the other day. Scientists studied the differences between dogs and wolves, and found that man’s best friend has a special muscle along their noggins that allows them to do an “inner eyebrow raise.” Wolves don’t have it, and so they just look like they’re going to eat our faces when they stare at us. But dogs can raise their eyebrows, looking super cute and even human-like … right before they eat our faces off.

2019 Nutshells, Travel

Things you learn on an international vacation

June 12, 2019 No Comments

What a wonderful vacation. Two weeks abroad in London and Ireland. Seeing the sights. Taking in the countryside. Exploring the rich traditions and culture that go back centuries. And trying to make sense of what clotted cream is, and why I can eat it by the bucketful.

There were so many highlights from our trip: Windsor Castle. Riding Connemara ponies in Ireland. A jaunting cart trek through the Gap of Dunloe. Knowing that Cadbury chocolate was never more than 5 feet away in any direction.

You can read in guidebooks about the sights you can see on a similar vacation, so I thought I would share with you some lesser known travel tips that will be invaluable if you choose to take your own journey:

• Never try to do currency conversion math in your head. It will cause you great embarrassment when you’re buying a bag of crisps, look at the price and scream, “This is highway robbery! I will never spend $3,200 on potato chips!” Use a calculator, dummy.

2019 Nutshells, Family, Travel

Looking for luck of the Irish … on the road

June 5, 2019 No Comments

I’ve driven some pretty wild roads. Mountain roads where boulders the size of houses look ready to crush you. Roads with snow higher than the car. A road that had a wolf jogging alongside it. You want a bad omen for a road? How about a WOLF trotting next to you! That one screams, “Buddy, you’re going to die and I’ll to be there to eat you.”

But after a week of driving my family around Ireland – mostly along the Wild Atlantic Way on the western coast, where the rocky shore line meets the cold, raging ocean – I’ve found roads that redefine the meaning of “wild.”

Not wild in any traditional sense – the kind of roads where you might plummet off a towering cliff and people stand with mouths agape saying, “Did you see how the smoke spelled, ‘Holy crap!’ right before it exploded?”

2019 Nutshells, Parenthood and Children

A young lady goes shopping

May 28, 2019 No Comments

Shopping for clothes with my daughter used to be easy. When she was young.

There was nothing to it. We would walk into a store, I would grab the first shirt that had a bear or a giraffe on it, she would coo and shout, “I LOVE it!!!” and before you could say, “lickety split,” we were on the way to the cash register.

How things change when you hit the teenage years. When your daughter turns 13 and fashions herself a fashionista. Someone who can strut about a store, trying on everything, saying things like, “Darling, I think that looks di-VINE on you,” and thinking her father is not only made of money, but doesn’t mind plunking it down over this or that.

An $84 crop top with a manufactured hole to look like a rat ate it? Yes, please!

She’s no longer young.

2019 Nutshells

Lost in a ‘Game of Thrones’ world

May 22, 2019 No Comments

I am really starting to feel like I’m the only person on the planet who hasn’t watched “Game of Thrones.” Am I it? Anyone else feeling this way? Anyone else feeling left out in the cold because you haven’t spent the last however many years watching every episode and waxing poetically about its fight scenes and killer dragons. Do you find that people are constantly coming up to you and saying, “Dude! What do you mean you don’t watch ‘Thrones?!?’ Are you like on some religious fast or something?”

In fact, scientists at the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence (SETI) have just announced that they received a signal from outer space with a message that read, “Did Daerneys really go and [SPOILER ALERT] last week? Because that was REALLY messed up, man. We’re freakin’ out here!”

I have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about. Want to talk Avengers? I got you covered. Need to discuss the arc of the next “Star Wars,” and I’m all over it. Got some theories about “The Lego Movie.” OK, I’m not totally following, but I’ll give it a whirl.

But “Game of Thrones?” I have absolutely no clue. I’ve never watched more than a handful of scenes, and the only reason I know any character’s name is because people constantly get in my face and say: “Dude, what do you mean you don’t know who ‘Cersei’ is?” … and then ask if I’m on a religious fast.