Grrrrr! I’m mad. Mad at the universe.
Because the universe is mad at me.
It’s the only thing that could explain it. The only thing that makes sense. All the things that have broken or gone wrong in the last couple of weeks. One right after another. A waterfall of malfunctioning mayhem. Not quite Murphy’s Law — “anything that can go wrong will go wrong.” No, this strange phenomenon needs a new term. Something like: “Simultaneous Broken Crap Syndrome.”
Ever have one of those periods where everything quit on you? When it seems every single thing you own mutinies or revolts or commits hari kari in front of you. Thanks a lot, TV remote control. Way to just think about yourself!
It’s like you can’t catch a break. It’s maddening. You literally find yourself sitting on the sofa in a bout of hysterics — yelling at your remote control, sobbing uncontrollably, finally falling to your knees and screaming at the ceiling, “Why have you forsaken me, oh god of the household appliance!”
Then you drink a lot of cheap beer and try to cope.
We all know the saying: When it rains … you get struck by lightning. Or you catch pneumonia. Or you get swept away in a flash flood. (I was never very good at sayings.)
But it’s been like that. The washing machine bearing went bad. It sounded like a giant space ship about to launch. It got so loud, we started wearing construction-grade ear plugs and using sign language to communicate.
Then the computer died. No, not died. Dead is when it won’t startup. Dead would be easy. You know what do with dead. You take it out in the backyard and bury it. This is more infuriating. At times it works fine. At others, it creeps and crawls, freezing up and then flashing cryptic, terrifying warnings — “Nodal structure compromised. Evacuate habitation. Radiation containment failed. See personal physician immediately. Have a nice day!” Stuff like that.
I know it’s bad because it will start to sound like it’s asthmatically-afflicted — making a feint wheezing sound, like it’s gasping for air. When I listen closely I swear I can hear it whisper, “Your files are toast!”
I stay up late into the night running diagnostics and trying everything the Internet recommends. “Run under cold water for 15 minutes. Season with lemon, salt, pepper. Roast at 450 degrees …”
But nothing seems to work. And we all know life shuts down when your computer does, too.
On and on it goes. Little things. Big things. My wife’s old vacuum started to die. The on/off switch literally leaped off it like a frog. “I can fix it!” she screamed. She could see the look in my eye. I told her it was time to put it down. I was holding a kitchen cleaver.
As the syndrome worsens, it spreads from household appliances to other things, like clogged toilets and backed up shower drains. Or family illnesses, like everyone getting sick in a cascade of wretchedness.
Shoot, I was even running the other day — finishing a 10-mile run. Close to home and feeling good. Then, as I swerved around a telephone pole in the sidewalk, I felt my fist — BAMMM! — punch it. I PUNCHED a dang telephone pole! While running! I’ve never done anything like before. It was bleeding, and throbbing. I worried I had broken a knuckle. I stood at the light of a busy intersection clutching my poor hand, grimacing in pain. Passersby must have thought I had lost it. “Look, honey, that imbecile pulled a muscle in his hand running! I told you the sport was nonsense.”
Through it all, I’ve learned some important lessons. Like don’t ask rhetorical, exasperated questions. Ones like, “Could anything else possibly go wrong?!?” Because the answer is “yes,” and probably will because you asked it. Never challenge the universe.
And don’t get jumpy and paranoid about things going wrong. That way normal sounds, say a motorcycle driving by, won’t cause you to race about the house yelling, “What was that?!? Is the fan on fire? Is the microwave about to explode?”
Most of all, make peace with the universe, let go of your anger and accept that Simultaneous Broken Crap Syndrome will afflict us all from time to time.
If all else fails, buy a lot of cheap beer and wait it out. Once everything in your house breaks, it’s smooth sailing.