This is the actual text message exchange with my brother:
He writes: Just got my Xmas present from you. You were very generous this year.
Perplexed, I write: Huh!?!
He replies: I just bought my Christmas present from you … for myself. Therefore unless you are some Christmas hating heathen, you are required to spend the same amount on yourself, or you get the Scrooge/Grinch Before They Learned Their Lesson Award.
Confused, but playing it off — like I know what in the heck he is talking about — I write: Cool. How much you spend?
He writes: “You” got me an iMac mini. Thanks!
Surprised, embarrassed, but impressed with “my” generosity, I write back: Dang (Note: I forgot the exclamation point. I think it needed an exclamation point … “Dang!” That would have had more impact.)
He writes: Just got it all set up. Goodbye cable, hello whatever I wanna’ watch whenever!
Merry Christmas! I am a good brother.
But I didn’t buy him a present. My brother and I don’t exchange presents. Not anymore. It was part of a deal we cut a few years back. Instead of desperately trying to find the perfect gift for each other (or failing miserably — “What do you mean you don’t wear briefs? These have Batman on them!”) we decided to skip each other and save the headache. On Christmas, when the family gets together, we exchange a handshake and say to each other something like, “Merry Christmas, brother … mom thinks you smell like two-day-old fish.”
One gift eliminated each year. One less person to buy for. One less desperate dash to a store, or a late-in-the-game call demanding a gift idea. One extra ounce of Christmas bliss.
Hence, my confusion and surprise when the text rolled through.
Huh!?! “Bought my Christmas present from you … for myself.
Had he changed the rules to the game? Had he re-instated gifts, but in a newfangled way? Was this a good thing, or bad? “Required to spend the same amount on yourself?” I don’t want to drop that kind of change on me. Shoot, for that I could have just bought him some taco mix and called it a day. Now this!?!
Or is there potential here? Is he on to something? Has he shown me another way? Some new and ingenious Christmas present strategy I can use on other family members?
Take the child, for instance. Every year we endure the little kid gift-finder-outer Christmas assault. It starts round about June, and doesn’t quit until November when we unplug the phone and get the restraining order against pushy family members who are trolling for gift ideas for my daughter. World wars have been launched with less strategic precision than it takes to coordinate family buying gifts for my kid. She’s the only youngin’ in the clan, and that ups the pressure.
We have to gather ideas — hundreds of ideas — divvy them out, cross-check who is getting what, and how everything is proceeding. This is sold out. That is from Santa. This needs to be blond hair, not brown. And that can ONLY be purchased on Tuesdays with Canadian dollars folded into tiny squares and handed over to a man named Eddy who drives a meat truck. I burn out spreadsheet programs trying to track it all.
But then the text came in. Then I saw a new way. Why not purchase it all myself? Why not cut out the gift giver altogether? Put cards on the presents from various family members and send out itemized bills with a handling charge for me?
That’s the spirit of Christmas, isn’t it? “Better to be bought for than to give OR receive.”It’s 2012. Who has time to buy gifts anymore? Or manage the whole process. Not when I can do it all myself. Send out a thank you text. Just like my brother did. Eliminate the madness. The hassle. The confusion. The Christmas gift trolls.
Haha! He’s on to something.
I might just try it out. And I might just go get his present to me. Thank you, brother, for the new 112-inch plasma 4-D screen with built-in beer tap. It sure was generous. But mom still thinks you smell like fish.