Can’t a man dress up like a goat without causing a national stir?
Come on, people. It’s America! Modern America. We’re a civilized land of understanding citizens. It’s about time we stop judging and start accepting. Men who dress like goats are just like the rest of us.
They just smell a little different.
Maybe you haven’t heard about the “goat man?” The hypocrisy. The hysterics. The “mystery,” as they called it in the media. (And they really did call it that.)
Fortunately, the mystery has been solved, but more on that later. First we have to discuss why we live in a country where a man has to answer for dressing like a goat and frolicking in the hills with wild critters. Why such a thing has to come under an Internet-made microscope of ridicule and harassment.
You sure you haven’t heard about it?
It took place in Utah. Had to be Utah. A hiker in the mountains — the goat-filled mountains — spotted a wild herd followed by a strange, scraggly one. Something about the straggler struck the man as odd. It dragged behind and looked injured. Maybe drunk. It stumbled, and every few minutes it stopped to check messages on an iPhone.
“That’s unusual,” thought the hiker. “Wild goats don’t get reliable cell phone service up here!”
Then it occurred to him: That’s no goat. Gee willikers, that’s a man dressed as a goat. And it blew his mind. So he did what any rationale, normal human being would do when confronted with such a perplexing mystery: He took a photo and posted it on the Web.
Let the wild hysteria ensue.
News media picked up on it. They jumped to conclusions: Was the man trying to commune with goats? Had he been raised from birth by goats? Was he trying to sell them timeshares in Miami? (It is a tough economy and all.) Was he wearing pants under that suit?
Authorities worried that a man hobbling about like a lame, diseased goat would be easy pickings for hunters. Especially experienced hunters who, unlike hikers way up on a hill, can’t tell the difference between a mountain goat and a man dressed like one. That these hunters might prize sickly prey. The authorities desperately wanted to talk to the man. To warn him: “Act like a strong, able-bodied goat, for Christmas sake. That way you have a chance!”
And the Web went wild. The world forgot about Syria and economic turmoil in Europe and why in the heck Molly Cyrus went and dyed her daggone hair blonde.
Stupid goat man got us all out of whack. He caused a stir. Here are a sampling of headlines from real, honest, hard-working media:
“‘Goat man’ spotted in Utah mountains frolicking with mountain goat herd.”
“Man wears goat costume, scales a mountain with new friends.”
“Utah Goat Man Puzzles Experts.”
“‘Goat man’ at risk in hunting season”
Many called it a mystery. Or odd. They used words like “mingling,” “frolicking,” and “cavorting.” Their tone was mocking and sarcastic. As if there was something strange or unusual about the practice. But, really, people, haven’t we all frolicked with goats? Who are we to cast the first stone? About 10 years back I was in a dart league with a herd near Satsuma. I’m not going to judge anyone.
Then, sadly, the mystery was solved. New headlines from real, honest, hard-working media screamed across the Web: “‘Goat man’ in Utah mountains identified as a hunter.” A hunter, not a frolicker. Out practicing goat hunting skills. The art of sneaking up on the quick-footed, wily critters before they scamper away.
The Internet breathed a collective sigh of disappointment. A hunter!?! How lame! Where’s the fun in that? Where’s the mystery! We quickly turned our attention back to Molly Cyrus. Blonde? What was she thinking?!? Only, that mystery rang hollow. The world was normal again. Easier to explain. Lacking in oddity and wonder. The Goat Man took that from us.
Maybe we’re all searching for a little mystery in our lives. Is that what drew us to the story? There is a certain fascination we have with the unknown, and yet, there isn’t much that’s unknown anymore. The “goat man” was something we couldn’t easily explain away.
And he made us feel better about ourselves. Like we were more normal and grounded. Men all over the country told their wives: “See! Me dressing up like a sex-kitten Betty White for Halloween doesn’t seem so crazy now, does it?”
Yes, America, it is OK for a man to dress up like a goat. We’ve learned that. And that all the great mysteries are dead. Or bogus. The world is inescapably normal and there are no great questions to ponder anymore. None other than Miley Cyrus’ hair.