Dear Diary,
So this marks my big week off at home, with nothing to do but play with the kid and do some house projects I’ve been planning since Ford invented the Model T. Nothing too big or difficult. Should be fun. And the temperature is only 160 degrees outside, so maybe the elastic in my underwear won’t melt to me like last year.
Can’t wait. Gonna’ be exciting. So let’s get started.
Day 1
Today I began work on what should have been a quick and very routine project: moving the hot water heater from its roost in the kitchen pantry. Time allotted: 2 hours. It should have been a piece of cake, despite the fact that I have no idea how to disconnect or reconnect a water heater. It weighs more than a Hummer, is well over a decade old and appears to be wood-burning, not electric or gas. I decided to wing it.
I drained it by running a garden hose from the pantry, through the kitchen, out the dining room and off the porch. Lizards and birds scurried for cover when the steaming water started pouring out. A small, manageable flood developed in the kitchen, but was quite sizable by the time it reached the dining room. Not sure exactly how that happened, but thank goodness the floors are wood as they soaked up the water. I’ll fix the buckling and mildew smell later.
After the water came red-rust sludge. This struck me as a little unusual as water is usually clear and not thick like pudding. Could this explain why even in the winter we look like we have sun tans?
I moved the hot water heater pretty well, meaning I didn’t crush any toes and wasn’t scalded. I did drop it on its side pretty hard when I lost control of the dolly, and I think I invented a new shape. I call it “ovaltangular.”
In its new location, I hooked it up, turned the water back on and there were no apparent leaks. How about that! The water heater even began filling up. More impressively, there was hot water just a short time later.
I impressed myself.
Day 2
Well, the water heated up. And it heated up, and it kept heating until steam rose from the sink like those boiling sulfur pits you see out west. I put a finger under the faucet and it was vaporized. The steam has peeled the paint off the kitchen walls, and it seems I’ve done something horribly wrong, maybe when I dropped it. The water temperature reached 180 degrees!
Between you and me, I think it’s time to buy a new hot water heater before the pipes melt. I’ve put it on the list for tomorrow.
Day 3
Went hot water heater shopping today. This is actually not that difficult. I started by eliminating all heaters that didn’t look like droids from Star Wars. Next, I eliminated any hot water heaters that were smaller then me. Finally, I looked at the prices, and the one that didn’t make me gasp and swallow my tongue, I chose. Goodbye pretty money.
I brought it home installed it, and now when showering, people’s flesh doesn’t fall off. I’m declaring victory.
Day 4
Today we went to the beach. Packing the car when you have a 7-month-old girl is not easy. We began around 6:30 a.m. and were ready by 2:30 p.m. It’s only five miles to the beach, and along the way we realized we forgot 82 things, including the baby.
We got to the beach, unloaded, put out an umbrella, sat in the water for 10 minutes, then had to start packing to get home by midnight.
Day 5
Too exhausted to write. Must get back to the office. So much easier there. Signing off. Going to enjoy my hot water … and hope it doesn’t scald me.