I, for one, won’t stand for it. No, not in America. As the guy painted blue in “Braveheart” screamed, “They may take our lives, but they’ll never take our PENNIES!” (I wasn’t paying close attention, but I’m pretty sure that’s what the movie was about.)
Either way, I’m concerned about a campaign to remove our great 1-cent piece from circulation. The debate has been sparked by Canada — a proud country whose national bird is the maple leaf. The Canadians decided to eliminate the penny because it will save, of all things, money. It costs 1.6 cents to make the copper-plated coin, and they don’t believe that makes cents.
Think of the savings, the Canadians say in their Canadian accents, and it has caused some of us here to wonder why our own Lincoln-adorned penny is still littering the streets of America … I mean … pockets and cupholders and drawers we never look in.
There is a group called “Citizens for Retiring the Penny” advocating for it to go away. Which makes me wonder: Doesn’t anyone play violent video games anymore? There have to be better things to do than picking on the poor penny. The idea is penny-wise and pound-foolish. Actually, it would be penny-foolish and pound-wise. Actually, I don’t have any idea what that saying actually means, but we wouldn’t have it without the penny.
Think of all the times we’ve been late for work, stuck in line waiting for someone who insists on finding a penny to pay for his or her coffee. We all know he doesn’t have a penny … he hasn’t had one since 1996! But that’s not the point. The point is: Do you really want to be at work? Of course not! Standing there getting angry at this guy is way better. In fact, if more people were like this, we’d never have to go to work!
Think about that little jar of loose change on the edge of your bedroom dresser. Isn’t it shnazzy? Doesn’t it complement the weathered pine? Doesn’t it provide the perfect accent to the boudoir? Sure, it causes the floor to sag, but it’s a small price to pay.
And think about how much security all those pennies provide. For instance, if the Mongol hordes invade your house, you could fill a sock with pennies and defend your family with pride and honor.
As parents, pennies also provide great educational value. Every single one of us has had this exchange with a child:
“Hey, dad, is this candy?”
“No, dangit, that’s a dirty, disease-infested penny. Now get it out of your mouth and go gargle with peroxide.”
Pennies are how we teach the value of money: “This is a penny. This is worth 1 cent. One cent is totally worthless. But if you had 10 billion of these, we would be living on our own island in the Abacos sipping margaritas from gold chalices. Please go find 10 billion of these.”
People say there is no point to the penny anymore. That we should follow the example of the Canadians and do it away with it, too. That in the U.S. it also costs more money to make than it’s worth. In fact, it costs 2.41 cents to manufacture and distribute a penny. Wait a minute … WHAT?!? No, forget that …
If we let the penny go, the poor nickel isn’t far behind. Same for the dime, and the once mighty quarter. When my daughter went on an egg hunt at Memorial Presbyterian last Sunday, she found a plastic orb with two quarters and a dime in it. You should have heard her gasp with joy as she shook it, realized what she had and then belted out, “I’m rich! You work for me now, dad.”
Already we’re living in a world governed by debit cards and credit. Dollar bills are becoming a thing of the past. But if cash goes away, how will communicable diseases be spread throughout the populous? Has anyone ever thought about the communicable diseases? They rely on the cheap public transportation that money provides.
No, we only look at the financial side of things. The penny is worth something, and I for one hope we always keep it. Sure, our dressers might sag under the weight and who knows what infections that copper carries, but I like a world full of worthless pennies. So join me in shouting with pride: “They’ll never take our PENNIES!”