I’ve been reading a lot of news stories lately that keep referring to our economic doldrums as, “The Great Recession.”
“The Washington Post reports today on a new study highlighting the effects of the ‘Great Recession’ on marriage,” read one such piece, and still another told us, “How to throw the perfect ‘Great Recession’ party with only a few cabbage stalks, a half-used candle and a dusty bottle of peppermint schnapps.” (Or something to that effect.)
The more I see it, the more it bugs me that such a tremendous, devastating, unrelenting period in our nation’s (and the world’s) history has such an anemic and pitiful name.
“The Great Recession.”
Phooey, I say. What kind of name is that?
If you want people to stand up and notice — to really shake in their boots and then go trembling into the world ready to do something about it — we need a name that will make the hair on a fat man’s back standup straight. Something that strikes the right balance of fear, trepidation and doom.
Like “The Great Morass.” Or “Crappyville.”
History is littered with wonderful names that didn’t undersell the periods they represented. “The Black Plague.” OK, we get it. Don’t need to tell me not to stop there for a holiday. It screams rats and rancidness, death and putrid smells. Maybe that there wasn’t enough salt to put on your food. Anyway, it just sounded awful and we got that.
“The Great Depression” was perfect. A play on words. It told you it was a long term economic downturn while also screaming, “Dude, I’m really freakin’ sad I lost all my money on Wall Street!”
Clear, concise and makes you want to jump off a tall building.
Even the “dot-com bubble” of the late 90s was kind of cool and futuristic, like we were in “Star Wars” and Darth Vader had just stolen our 401ks. How sweet (and scary) was that!?!
But “The Great Recession” isn’t doing it for me. Too tired and tepid. Too much of a ripoff. Too unoriginal and bland.
We need something more powerful and memorable, not generic and utterly forgettable. For starters, most people couldn’t even define a “recession.” Don’t believe me: Ask around and I’ll bet you the No. 1 answer you get is, “the period right after lunch when we used to pound on little Albert Weinstockner behind the tether ball court.”
Not “recess,” you limp string beans … A recession!!!
So I came with suggestions of my own, hoping someone with clout might just read them and propose a name change to the powers that be (the Bureau of Weights, Measurements and Really Bad Periods of Time). If we want to keep “Great,” then how about: “The Great Foreclosure,” “The Great Kerplunk” or “The Really Great Time … until we woke up in the morning with a hangover, realized our wallet was stolen and the cat coughed up a hairball in bed.”
Or more avant garde: “WeBePoor,” “The Great China ATM” (or just “China Rocks!”), “Lost My Shirt, and My Underpants Are Next,” or “The Time When We All Had to Switch from Quilted Two-Ply to One-Ply.” (That last one is a little long, but nothing sums up economic stagnation like a toilet paper reference.)
Prince changed his name to a symbol a few years back, so why don’t we just refer to this time as “#$&%#@!” You get the meaning right away when you see it.
Or if we’re going to keep recession, let’s jazz it up a bit with some pop culture references. How about “The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Recession”? Or “Grandma Got Runover by a Recession”?
To get ourselves out of this mess, it’s going to take innovation, ingenuity, spunk and a little American grit. And nothing says “America is back” quite like juvenile naming and taunting of something we really hate. Maybe that’s it: “Jerky #$&%#@! Times, We Hate You!” Something we can all collectively ostracize and work together to banish.
I’m putting my nomination in right now.