Could you use a little gift-giving advice this time of year? I figured as much, so I thought I would share some of my time-honored tricks and traditions that are sure to help you this holiday season:
• A couple years ago, my brother and I were sitting somewhere when we both turned to each other at the exact same moment and blurted out, “How about we stop giving each other Christmas presents … FOREVER!” It was probably during a drunken fight, but with a quick handshake we cemented the most brilliant holiday tradition ever imagined: the “brother I love you, but ain’t buying you nothing for Christmas” tradition. It’s a way of getting back to the reason for the season, and eliminating at least one person from the shopping list. It works for us and might just work for you.
• Speaking of booze, if you need holiday gifts for family, friends and even co-workers, making your own alcoholic beverages can be a real hit. A couple years back I learned how to make Kahlua from my barber. (Listen, if you’re not learning stuff like this during your haircut, find another place for a trim.) Anyway, she made kahlua brownies and I managed to mooch one or two. I walked out of that barbershop stinkin’ drunk and not minding a bit my new Mohawk.
Since that fateful day I’ve been making my own liqueurs for Christmas — first kahlua, and last year my own version of Bailey’s Irish Cream. I made my own labels and called it, “Brian’s Original I Can’t Believe It’s Not Bailey’s Irish Cream.” After all the lawsuits and a raid by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, it was still worth it just to see the smiles on everyone’s faces.
This year I’m going to take it up a notch and produce what I plan to market as, “Brian’s ‘Rub-a-dub-dub I Made it in the Bathtub’ Gin.” If people don’t die from an implosion of the liver, it’s sure to be big.
• Make sure you take a day off from work so you can dedicate some serious time to your shopping. That way you can hit a mall or some shops without pressure, take in the holiday season, see some decorations, and all before failing to buy anything for anyone else. Well, other than yourself, that is. Ever notice how this happens? You drop in at Williams-Sonoma only to find that everything is way more expensive than you planned to spend. BUT not that Le Creuset enameled cast iron pot, which is priced perfectly for under your own tree. Remember the old adage: It is better to give to yourself than to receive.
• Be careful, especially driving. Little known fact: Holiday shopping has the same impairing effect on drivers as eight alcoholic drinks mixed with a failed anger management course. They will fight you for parking spots. They will drive their cars straight into the store and ask if a wreath is still on sale. And they will run over their own foot for a holiday deal. Be safe, people!
• Make sure you put all of your shopping ideas on one neat, organized and centrally-located list. That way it’s easier to doom your entire day of shopping when you head out and forget it at home. And if you do remember your list, make sure your wife puts it on a big, official looking legal pad so when she hands it to you so she can try on a pair of jeans, employees mistake you for some goofy store inspector and ask, “Did you come to fix the stopped up toilet?”
• People get pushy and rude this time of year. It can be stressful in a down economy, especially when their favorite perfume is all sold out. So be understanding when faced with this rudeness. Bring some holiday cheer back with a smile and maybe a heartfelt comment like, “The upside of all that coal in your stocking is heating costs are at an all-time high.”
Help put the merry back in Christmas and good luck with all that shopping.