I think it’s time we do something about warning labels on products, and especially tools. Oh, and if you think I’m going to advocate removing them all, you’ve got another thing coming. I want them to be more effective — even interesting — and I think I’ve found a way.
First, let’s remember that the real purpose of labels stuck on power saws, ladders, toasters and toothbrushes is not safety, but preventing lawsuits. When a guy named Drunk Bob accidentally plugs his un-electric toothbrush into a wall socket, that tends to, uh, spark legal filings. But not if Drunk Bob’s toothbrush had a 13-page manual that clearly warned of this, right after it told him, “Don’t stick in ear while lit with kerosene” and “Do not use as a weapon during a bar fight.”
Only they’re so ridiculous, no one pays attention to them. Warnings should be heeded, not something you try on a boring weekend — “I wonder what WOULD happen if I dropped a running hair dryer into a bath tub full of water.”
So I’ve struck upon something, and hear me out: Instead of warning labels, lets use the X-rays of people who have misused these products and wounded themselves. I’m serious. A recent and perfect example: A man was using a nail gun. It misfired and a nail several inches long shot into the roof of his mouth and poked about four inches into his brain.
Miraculously, he survived. Even more miraculously, he didn’t realize he had a nail tickling the ‘ole brain until some mild pain and discomfort sent him to a dentist where his wife works. An X-ray showed a nail pointing straight to heaven, a reminder it’s where he’s going next time if he’s not more careful.
Now, let’s not get sidetracked by how he didn’t realize he had a nail stuck through the roof of his mouth. I get a popcorn kernel up there and I’m calling rescue personnel to bring the jaws of life. “Please, get it out. I think it’s burrowing into my brain!”
Put that aside and let’s stay focused — see that a positive can come out of this. It’s a terrifying X-ray, and would make anyone think twice about shooting themselves in the mouth with a nail gun. I know I won’t do it anytime soon.
Most men have no regard for the power of power tools. I have a lot of tools, but rarely read the warnings. I feel they don’t relate to me. They don’t speak my language. So don’t show me a stick figure falling off a ladder to explain the importance of putting it on solid footing.
Shoot, when I put a ladder up it’s hanging on by a leaf, on ground that is slowly sinking, often a hair away from power lines, and all the while at such an angle that it bows and sways like it was made of licorice.
But put a picture of a guy broken in half being loaded into an ambulance and I’m going to pay attention.
The other day I was using a rotary saw in the front yard in such a way that a guy walking down the street stopped because he thought I was doing a magic trick. But put a picture of a guy trying to dial “911” with a missing finger and I’ll be more careful.
Some group recently came out with a list of the year’s worst warning labels. The winner was a toilet brush with a warning that read, “Do not use for personal hygiene.” The point they were trying to make was that our society has become ridiculously litigious that something must be done about it.
I agree, and I think I have the answer. That’s why I’m taping the X-ray of the guy with the nail in his head up in my shed. If nothing else, at least I can say I was properly warned.