Is nothing sacred anymore? Apparently not. Now, I’m not naïve. I understand the world is run by money, marketing and the consumption of Cheese Doodles. But I want it to be about something more meaningful.
Not people selling the rights to their names on eBay. eBay, that part circus, part flea market where people sell everything from Aunt Nelly’s gnome collection to body parts.
Now the new fad seems to be people auctioning off names, as Matthew Jean Rouse is doing.
Matthew Jean, a 31-year-old father of two, doesn’t like his middle name. According to The Associated Press, he wants to let someone in the general public give him a new one, and he’s asking big bucks for it. As of press time, someone who doesn’t understand the value of money has bid $2,175.
“If he wants to walk around with ‘Fool’ as his middle name, that’s his problem,” Rouse’s wife told AP. “If someone changes his name to ‘Poophead,’ he may decide it’s a little more important than he thought.”
I hope someone does name him “Poophead.” I hope someone names him “chicken legs” or “stinky behind.” I hope someone names him “slap me.”
There comes a point where you go too far, and Matthew Lugnut Rouse has reached it.
Terry Iligan, a 33-year-old mother of five from Knoxville (a place that I would now recommend not drinking the water), sold her entire name on eBay for $15,199. You can officially call her “GoldenPalace.com,” after the online casino. GoldenPalace.com, you may recall — if you have the amount of spare time that I obviously have — is the same company that bought a temporary tattoo on a pregnant woman’s belly for $8,800, a grilled cheese sandwich with the image of the Virgin Mary on it for $28,000, and a guy running for governor of Ohio for $900.
If a grilled cheese sandwich sells for 28 grand, and a potential governor can’t even sell for a thousand, what does that say about Ohio?
I digress and mix-up my point, which is: How can you change your name to Goldenpalace.com! What will your kids say? How will it sound when they call you in at the doctor’s office? Does that make “.com” your last name?
As the good former journalist that I am, I did some research and found quite a few people on eBay trying to sell their names, many with varying degrees of success.
Poor Joshua Graves, who has never had a middle name, just wanted someone to pick one for him … at a starting bid of $750. Alas, no one had put in a single bid. Joshua, you’re middle name is “Goofledanger.”
Another guy was offering the rights to rename his dog’s middle name. The dog’s current name is “Buddy Lee Sutherland.” Two bids so far, and the high bid is $1.25. The shipping costs, and I don’t understand this, are $1. Good luck Buddy Lee. I hope they don’t pick “Duddy” or “Got Snipped.”
I never found Mr. Rouse’s auction, so maybe he’s already sold to the highest bidder. Maybe his wife got it and he’s now “Matthew Clean the Dang Garage or You’re Living Out There Rouse.”
But what is this world coming to? Is nothing sacred anymore? Shoot, once upon a time, people went out and got tattoos of skulls and crossbones, sleazy women and sayings like, “I just beat up your kid brother.”
Now they sell those rights to companies who want to tattoo their brand on them.
People are taking on names like Taco Palace and Honey’s House of Chicken. It’s a strange world out there and it seems like everything that can be sold is up for sale. It’s a sad, sad time in America, and I’m ashamed.
—
This column brought to you by Eddie’s Shrimp Shack and Tackle Store.