It’s been the absolute doldrums in the news recently. You can’t pick up the paper or switch on the TV without thinking to yourself, “Is there such a thing as a fourth world country? I bet my dollar could go a long way there.”
Gloom and doom. Utterly depressing. All the talk of layoffs, bailouts, busts, bankruptcies, foreclosures, ponzi schemes and that poor jilted contestant on “The Bachelor.” Heartbreaking.
So I want to help everyone take a collective deep breath by giving you some positive and upbeat news to read. I thought I would search out all the warm, fuzzy, feel-good, happy news I could find and relay it on to you. Call it a balm for the soul.
Only thing is … it’s damn hard to find anything positive to write about. DAMN hard! I’m not blaming the media — they’re just reporting what they’re seeing, and it’s slim pickens out there. I combed. I searched. I even invested a whole 15 minutes of my precious time searching around on the Internet. (Although, truthfully about five of those minutes was eaten up when I saw a video online of a guy crashing his motorcycle into a house.)
Everywhere there’s bad news. In The Wall Street Journal I saw this: “The Recession’s Gotten So Bad, Even the Repo Man’s Singing the Blues.” Jeez, if the repo man’s hurtin’, you know we’re all sunk. I didn’t read the story, but I imagine it must mean that we’re so poor and our cars are so crappy that they’re not even worth repossessing anymore.
No, no! That’s not positive. Good news. Uplifting news. Something that will tickle the heart, and not in a way that indicates your arteries are seizing up. Search, search. See any good financial news to share with the people? We could use some of that.
I thought I had one when I read this headline in The Journal: “Retiree Hell Isn’t as Bad as You Think It Is.” Apparently it’s only moderately bad. Bad like you might have to work until you’re 125, sell 1 1/2 kidneys and forego all food for three days a week. But it could be worse: You could be on fire. You could actually need your kidneys. You could have to move in with that strange couple down the street who belong to a cauliflower-worshiping cult that believes space aliens want to open a galactic bingo parlor on Earth.
Reuters did have some good economic news: H&R Block has beaten expectations by posting a third quarter profit. This sounded upbeat … until I realized what this really means: All we can afford to do anymore is pay our taxes.
Keep looking, keep looking.
I turned my attention away from finances to less traditional sources.
I read this from The Associated Press: A chimpanzee who regularly collects a stash of rocks to hurl at zoo visitors in fits of rage has helped researchers confirm that apes plan ahead just like humans.
Now, first of all, I think that’s a bit of a reach. If a chimpanzee starts making a pair of fence-wire snips and reading bus schedules to Toledo, that’s planning ahead. But stashing a bunch of rocks to throw at visitors who probably throw rocks at him all day? Come on.
But for the sake of good news let’s let this one slide. How is that positive? Shoot, now you know not to get into a rock-throwing fight with a chimp. Who knows what else he’s stockpiling — knives, shoes, poop.
The only other story I could find that even slightly resembled good news was one that said scientists are predicting global warming will make seas rise even higher than what they predicted two years ago. Good news? Sure, on the surface it doesn’t sound like it, especially for someone who is environmentally-conscious like me. But the way I figure it, if the oceans start rising, my house is gonna’ be sitting on prime Florida beachfront property. And nothing H&R Block is going to tell me can beat that.