OK, so I’ve announced I’m going to be a dad. It’s pretty exciting to tell people and hear their reactions. They’ve ranged from joy and excitement to the occasional burst of laughter followed by, “Dude, you are NOT ready for diapers. Can you even change a garbage bag?”
Yes, I can.
But now that most have found out about my news and I return to the much-less exciting real world, I’m quickly learning that the real world revolves around preparing for Baby T. I’m sure there was a time when pregnancy was easier. Don’t lynch me: I’m not implying childbirth IS or ever WAS easy. (That’s my legal disclaimer to avoid lawsuits.) I know it’s tough, incredibly painful and frankly dangerous. I got an oversized jaw breaker stuck in my mouth once as a kid and it took a lot of heavy breathing, screaming, pushing and finally a crow bar to “birth” it back out the way it went in. I lost three teeth in the process and got a small sampling of what childbirth must be like.
So when I say it must have been easier, I’m only referring to the fact that it couldn’t have always involved so much, you know, baby stuff — cribs, bassinets, strollers, car seats, changing tables and “How Your Baby Can Score 1,500 on the SATs” books.
It’s not fun stuff like toys. That’s what I’m looking forward to getting. But this is functional and necessary stuff.
And there’s a lot to learn. You don’t just go out and buy things, I’m finding out. That’s my natural reaction. Give me the grocery list and I’ll be back in 20 minutes.
But the truth is you must first study and research. My wife told me the other day she was going to check on car seats. So she packed enough food for two weeks, went off with a book and a backpack and I haven’t seen her since, except for a crudely scratched note I found a few days ago that read, “Research good. Encountered bears. Lost a limb. Should be back by November. Don’t wait up.”
You have to research, do your homework, meditate on these things, and ask for wisdom and guidance from the gods of baby stuff who look down and impart their wisdom through sacred sayings like, “He who buys cheap stroller will have child with missing teeth.”
Safety is very critical with kids, and words to the wise for any future dads out there: When your wife’s argument for buying the safest crib is backed up by a statistic on infant injuries each year, never say anything remotely like: “Is that it?!? Shoot, that doesn’t sound like much. Probably more likely to get hit by a car.”
I speak from personal experience.
Safety is critical, and apparently just as important are styles and colors. They might be more important judging by the 28 different colors and patterns that one car seat manufacturer sports, including Central Park and Ivy League.
Again, tread softly. Blurting out something like, “Well, let’s just get navy blue,” could bring back, “Are you kidding? In this hot Florida sun, Navy blue could scorch a kid. Go sleep in the shed!”
Again, personal experience.
But times must have been simpler long ago. Health was an issue and death much more prevalent, but did the caveman worry about registering at Babies ‘R Us? No, and he was much luckier for it. Back then a kid might get a buckskin, a stick to play with and the occasional rock. And nobody researched that rock to see if it was the correct diameter or had lead paint. They just handed it to the kid and hoped he didn’t eat it.
Simpler times. Granted, most dads didn’t live that long or were eaten by cave tigers, but rarely did they ever have to pick between Newport Bears and Metropolitan fabric.