When will I learn to listen? Not only recognize when wisdom presents itself to me, but also to learn from it. Act upon it.
And when my wife tells me something, just dang-well do it!
Example A: My recent COVID booster shot. It wasn’t getting the shot that was the issue. That was no problem, and I did it of my own free will. When I learned that anyone who had received Johnson and Johnson’s vaccine more than 2 months ago was eligible not only for a booster, but could now mix-and-match with the shot of their choosing, I did some research, settled on Moderna and went off to get my
jab.
Pat on the back. Nicely done. I’m all done …
Except for the advice given: “OK, now remember, you don’t know how your immune system will react afterward,” my wife said. “So, you need to drink lots of fluids, rest and take it easy.”
Advice reaction: Take it easy!?! That’s for suckers! That’s what they WANT you to think. I haven’t figured out why yet, but I’m sure it has something to do with robbing your 401k while you take a nap. Besides, I don’t “take it easy.” That’s not who I am. My motto is: Make it difficult. Even if you pay for it later.
That is the wisdom of a moron. Hear me roar.
Example B: Nice gentleman gets his jab. Feels a little soreness in his arm. Figures this is what his wife was warning him about. Figures that to comply with her request, he can “take it easy” by eating his bag of potato chips with his left hand instead of his sore right.
“My wife will be so proud,” he thinks.
And then I commenced going about my business, which included having a beer.
A booming alert siren went off at my house: “You can’t drink alcohol after you had your vaccine!!!” my wife said, horrified. “Your immune system will be compromised. It says so right here on the Internet. You’re going to end up feeling a whole lot worse!”
Example C: She was right. The next morning I woke up feeling a little tight. So, like all good and sensible folks, I decided to go for a run.
“Are you crazy?!?” my wife said, which I kind of find a disingenuous question. It’s pretty clear where she stands on my mental state. This is straight commentary. “You aren’t supposed to do any physical activity right after you get your vaccine. That is the exact opposite of resting and taking it easy. You’re supposed to let the vaccine do its trick and build-up your immune system. Don’t you know these things? Didn’t you read the paperwork?”
“Paperwork?!?” I said. “They have paperwork?”
This was not a clever defense. And I decided on a new tactic: Digging the hole deeper.
“I’m fine,” I said. “My immune system is great. I just ran 4 miles. Clearly I’m OK. Things like this just don’t affect people like me.”
“GRRRR! You’re telling me you didn’t feel any different on your run?” she asked.
“Well, now that you mention it, I did have a pretty bad headache,” I replied. “And I went through some spells where my body seized up like a boa constrictor was squeezing the life out of me. Plus, I would black out and crash into a tree. That only happened three or four times. But I don’t see how any of that is connected to the booster.”
My wife just stared at me. By the movement of her lips, I could tell she was mouthing something un-printable.
“Listen. I don’t mean to brag, but I probably have a super-human immune system,” I said. “That’s why I’m able to eat so much food that has fallen on the ground. Science should really study me.” Things you should never say.
For this began the inevitable downward spiral. Down to a world made of my own gross stupidity, medical ignorance and complete inability to listen.
It hit me that night. The post-vaccine funk. The aches and chills. Now, I don’t exactly know what it would feel like to try and stop a speeding semi, but I imagine it’s pretty similar to his. Just fewer chills and more chrome.
I tossed and turned in my sleep as the boa constrictor squeezed. I wrapped myself up like an Eskimo trying to ward off a winter onslaught. Strange dreams crept over me. Dancing bears. Clowns with running makeup. A posse of cowboys. All singing: “Listen to your wife. Listen to your wife. If there’s one thing you do, better listen to your wife.”
The next day, it all started to fade away. I was quickly back to normal. I guess my immune system sorted it out, learned what it needed to from the vaccine. Gave some orders and got the defenses up.
They say if you have a tough-go of the vaccine, that means your immune system is firing up properly.
But I’m not sure that’s what they “say.” Because clearly I’m not a very good listener. I strive to be, though. And to take advice from my wife. She’s always spot-on and knows her stuff. Maybe I’ll try taking it easy once in a while. Maybe … or at least right after I go on this run.