Here we are again. Reaching the end of summer. When you come to the realization that you’ve squandered all your free time on frivolous things like watching sports, nacho chips and a little thing you like to call freestyle nap-drooling. (Don’t look for it in the Olympics, but it SHOULD be there!) Meanwhile, the massive lists you’ve spent the year building – all with the expectation that you would do them during the dog days of summer (so-called because you’re lazier than your dog) – have gone un-filled. Non-complete-o. And you’re running out of time.
If you’re like me, you’re about to start mad-scrambling. It’s summer crunch time for the project punch list. So, I’ve gathered a few tips on how to navigate the to-do deluge:
• Have patience. This is a must. It is highly likely that with a lot of patience, and a little faith, your wife will eventually talk to you again. Remember, the shame and frustration she is feeling over your complete and utter failure to finish a single thing is understandable. Afterall, this is likely the 8th or 9th year you’ve been given the same tasks.
• Cram. You need to think back to your high school and college days. Remember? Right before a test? The one you always forgot about. Until, say, 20 minutes before. But do you know what you were capable of when pressed? When the pressure was on? In 20 minutes, you could do remarkable things. You could plow so much knowledge into your head. You would go into that test feeling on top of the world. Like you owned it! I mean, you still failed. You ALWAYS failed. But for that briefest of moments, you felt really good.
• Be realistic and dial-back expectations. For instance, if your to-do list says, “Replace rotted 4X4 fence posts,” maybe change that to something more like, “Consider replacing potentially rotted 4X4 posts, which upon further investigation may be OK, or leaning at a 45-degree angle thanks to something out of your control … like sea-level rise. At which point, what can YOU do! Go watch sports!”
• Think up really realistic-sounding excuses for why you didn’t do things you were supposed to. For instance, if you were supposed to replace the door on your chicken run, maybe say the chickens tried to attack your face because they’re rabid.
• Look for wins. Sometimes you just need a little motivation. Some small success to get the ball rolling and build momentum. Start with something relatively easy that you know you can complete. Like … oh, who am I kidding?!? Even changing the AC filter looks overwhelming and impossible!!! I’m just gonna’ get a snack and cry.
• Lay off the snacks. Studies have found that 65 percent of weight gain is caused by people desperately trying to avoid summer work projects.
• Injuries, even fake ones, can get you out of trouble. But if you’re really in deep, and your list has grown too long, you’re going to have to go big. Like maybe getting runover by a car. Or seeing if the chickens actually will attack your face. (Important: Make sure health insurance is up-to-date.)
• Your children are worse than the mafia. If you think you can get out of this mess by paying them to help, remember who you’re dealing with. Before long, you’re going to be in hock to them, lose your house and probably need to start playing the horses to pay them back. (On the plus side: If you lose the house, 95 percent of your to-do list is now THEIR problem.)
• Recognize that the fool you were when you wrote the to-do list at the beginning of summer is not the same person you are today. He/she was a naïve, optimistic, cruel and heartless person who stunk! Past selves never think about the burden they are placing on their future selves. The pressure and trauma. The heartache. The failure. So, curse the past, tear up your list and declare yourself free of the tyranny. Besides, there’s sports on TV, and if you don’t start practicing your freestyle nap-drooling, you’re never going to make it to the Olympics.