Yeah, it’s 2020. A year ruled by Murphy’s Law, that good ‘ole adage about anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. And go wrong in spectacular fashion. In fact, “go wrong” might include one of your body parts spontaneously combusting, and then you get attacked by a murder hornet … WITH MANGE!
All in the actual law. Look it up.
We’re eight months into the year, and if you’re keeping track, we’ve had a major pandemic, an economic crisis, riots and unrest, wildfires in California, some weather event in the Midwest called a “derecho” (I thought that was a breakfast burrito, but apparently that’s not right) and most recently two hurricanes in the Gulf nearly colliding in an ultimate violation of social distancing. Earlier models even called for the two storms to meet on Bourbon Street, which would have just about topped it all.
So, if you’re like me, you’re asking yourself, “What else could possibly go wrong in 2020?” And if you’re like me, you should NEVER ask dumb questions like this because the universe will promptly respond: “Are you mocking me? How about I make your pinky finger spontaneously combust and send a murder hornet for you!”
We still have a rip-roaring presidential election to go, a long hurricane season to slog through and another four months before we can flick 2020 the middle finger goodbye. What else could go wrong? I’ve decided to try and answer that question with a few predictions and prognostications that might come to pass before the dawn of a glorious new year:
• You thought two hurricanes in the Gulf at the same time was unprecedented? Well, just wait. Because I’m predicting 2020 will see three hurricanes all swirling in the Atlantic at the same time. And to top that, I believe they will perform party tricks and some of Shakespeare’s lesser known plays before simultaneously striking three separate states.
• Maybe you’ve heard about plans to release millions of genetically-modified mosquitoes in South Florida. These mosquitoes have been tinkered with so that when they mate with the native population, they produce offspring that die before hatching. While some have raised scientific concerns about the introduction of this altered organism – has anyone seen “Jurassic Park?!?” – I think the real danger will be all these mosquitoes banding together to create the world’s largest Ponzi scheme selling cut-rate toilet paper and bilking Floridians out of millions of dollars. Do NOT give your credit card info to anyone buzzing on the telephone about the softest two-ply on the market!
• TikTok. That’s it. Just the fact that it exists. Big problem! And not because it might get banned, is linked to the Chinese government or could be a cybersecurity threat. Rather, it’s because I’ve become addicted to the app that lets people upload short videos of dances and other hijinks set to catchy music. TikTok magically knows that I LOVE videos of explosions, people goofing off and falling into bushes or off bridges or any video of a cat wrestling with a dog, and preferably with the cat’s head ending up inside the dog’s mouth. Do you know how many videos there are like this?!? TikTok, you just get me!
• A world-wide blackout will take down ALL Internet and other communication infrastructure leaving us unable to talk to anyone … except for those people we’ve been stuck inside with on lockdown for the past five months. The very same people who’ve been driving us coocoo and we don’t want to talk to anymore. Seriously, what else can we possibly say to them? The one upside will be that the last two companies in the world selling carrier pigeons or offering telegraph services will reach market values rivaling Apple or Microsoft. (Buy stock now!)
• An election screw-up will accidentally send millions of Florida’s leftover George W. Bush vs. Al Gore ballots from 2000 through the mail to voters all across the country. This will create another “hanging chad” debacle, but this one on a national scale. It will delay the results of the presidential election until 2027, and after the rest of the country cries, “Why, Florida, did you keep those things?!?” they will decide to give away our state through a $1 raffle.
• Maybe worst of all: We run out of toilet paper … again! All of us. Because it can’t get any worse, and the mosquito thing was just a Ponzi scheme.
Oh, and for any of you worried about those predictions that an asteroid might hit the planet just days before the U.S. election, I can assure you that it won’t happen. Listen, no interstellar object with an ounce of sense would step foot on this Murphy’s Law-cursed planet. Plus, the universe is really curious to see how badly we can mess up this election, and what three Atlantic hurricanes performing Shakespeare will look like.