Maybe it’s a desire to get out of here – to break the COVID-inspired cabin fever – but I’ve been hooked by the space bug recently. Anything space-related that might take me to the Heavens above, both literally and figuratively.
Or maybe it’s that for the first time in a long time, space is at the forefront again. There are so many exiting missions and moments and milestones. Rockets are constantly rising from Cape Canaveral. American astronauts are launching from American soil again, and splashing down in must-see events. Plutonium-powered planetary rovers as big as SUVs are Mars-bound. A tricked-out dune buggy named Perseverance stuffed with so many fascinating experiments that science geeks need therapy just to figure out which to get the most excited about.
Meanwhile, SpaceX is testing its giant “Starship” launch vehicle that looks straight out of Buck Rogers and promises to take humans to the moon and even Mars. That way actual people can ride around on the plutonium-powered dune buggy. Tee up more therapy for science geeks.
I’m fascinated by it all, too. Like how the Mars rover Perseverance is carrying a mini helicopter so it can test out flying on the Red Planet. Which to me is just the pinnacle of audacity. I take my daughter’s drone out here on Earth, and in 5 minutes I’ve made it a permanent Christmas ornament in a pine tree. But know-it-all, fancy-pants Perseverance is going to drive out into the middle of an open field, set his little bugger off and probably nail it on the first try. He doesn’t even have to worry about pine trees!
I love reading about that big rover and all his cool gadgets with their cool names. Like the MOXIE, which will run tests to see if oxygen can be produced from Martian CO2. Or MEDA, its own personal weather station, so it can keep tabs on the next hurricane here on Earth. Or SHERLOC, its ultraviolet spectrometer that extends out on a giant robot arm. I don’t even know what a spectrometer is. I just know it MUST be cool because they named it something awesome like SHERLOC.
Which is why I would make a terrible NASA administrator. People would come to me asking for billions of dollars for their projects and if it had a cool name, I would just give it to them.
Scientist Pitching Project: “We have always wondered if dirt on Mars tastes like dirt here on Earth, so our instrument will use a pink robot tongue to rank it on a scale from cow dung to chopped liver.”
Me: “That’s a terrible idea. What’s it called?”
Nervous Scientist Pitching Project: “BLUE NOVA … FRACTOMETER?”
Me: “Shoot, why didn’t you just tell me that?!? How about $400 million?”
The only thing I’m not too keen on is NASA’s “Send Your Name to Mars” placard on Perseverance. In tiny microchips are the names of more than 10 million people who wanted to go with the rover to Mars. And on the surface, it sounds like a really great idea. But remember, part of Perseverance’s mission is also to search for life. What if it finds it? In this age of identity theft, hacking and financial scams, do you really want your personal information out there? Especially on an interstellar level?
Imagine some little Martian microbe getting ahold of your social security number and personal contact info. You would be getting “Martian Prince” email scams and trying to block galactic wire transfers. Shoot, you know how long it took me to sort out a fraudulent tax return with the IRS? Just imagine Martian bureaucracy. The Red Planet has had millions of years to perfect red tape.
Maybe I’ll just stick to letting the experts and the scientists and the real astronauts explore space. For all the talk of commercial enterprises to send regular stiffs like me to space (for way more money than regular stiffs like me actually have,) I’m not sure that it’s really even my cup of tea. Being enveloped by darkness. The cold. The vacuum. (I’m not big on vacuuming.) Not knowing which way is up. The confinement and inability to go outside for a run. Micro-meteorites. My terrible aim in the bathroom. I mean, that could be a problem!
Yet, imagine all of those stars. Being away from it all. Up there in the Heavens. A big, beautiful orb spinning below you. And a plutonium-powered dune buggy waiting for you. Imagine being where few have ever gone. Into the unknown. Where anything you do – improving your aim in the bathroom! – is one for the history books.
What a fascinating time to be hooked by the space bug. With so much need to escape, NASA and companies like SpaceX keep giving us amazing opportunities to “ride along” as they pierce the Heavens. (But seriously, folks: If you put your name on that Perseverance chip thing, seriously think about strengthening your passwords and putting a credit hold on your accounts. No telling who might be up there!)