I don’t like challenges. You know, those Internet crazes? The dance challenges (can’t dance.) The eat-more-kale challenges (hate kale.) And the ever-annoying fitness challenges (don’t need it … hypnotized myself to believe I’m already fit.)
But I DO like cookies. And this love of mine seems to be taking a small toll on me recently. Maybe all of this working from home has made me slightly more sedentary. Or the stress of work combined with the pandemic has had an effect. Maybe I’m not running as much as I used to, or my age is catching up to me a little bit.
Add to that the fact that my kitchen looks like a grocery store cookie aisle.
One of the best parts about working from home is the readily available supply of cookies at my immediate disposal. In the middle of any video conference, no matter how important it is, I can say, “Oh, I’m so sorry … can you hold on one sec. Minor emergency,” and duck out to grab a cookie. It’s reason No. 1 most Americans don’t want to return to the office.
But it certainly comes with its downsides. Or should I say, EXPANDING-sides. That’s what I started noticing recently. First, when I dropped a notch in my belt. And second, when I ordered a new pair of running shorts in the size I’ve always worn, only to find them a little more “form-fitting.” You know … SNUG!
At first, I was outraged. Stupid fitness wear-maker had changed their sizing! This is ridiculous! I’m going to lodge a complaint and leave a really bad review. Then I looked up the sizing and found my waist size ticked north of this size’s suggested range. Barely … but north. Sure glad I didn’t call up customer service. Might have been embarrassing to hear, “Sir, have you been eating cookies?”
In the mirror, I also noticed a slight bulge around the mid-section. Not glaring, but east and west. And I am getting older. Upper 40s. That time of your life when your metabolism slows and the exercise you used to do doesn’t pack the same punch.
So, the other day I found myself Googling (don’t tell anyone): “getting older chubby lose chub least exertion possible hate chub not sexy.” If you Google such a thing, you will inevitably get a whole bunch of health and fitness sites that all recommend the same four things:
1. Drink less beer. (Rude thing to insinuate, even if true.)
2. Eat fewer cookies. (Starting to feel creepy … like these sites have been spying on me!)
3. Exercise more. (Dude! That’s going to get in the way of beer drinking and cookie eating … er, I mean … I do run!)
4. Don’t get suckered into trendy fitness challenges promising quick results for little effort.
That last one should come with an addendum: If you do get suckered into a trendy fitness challenge, make sure it’s not issued by the guy who plays “Thor” … you know, the hot, buff Australian dude … because you will die.
Which, on the surface, is kind of funny. Because I did just happen to stumble upon an Esquire article with the enticing headline: Chris Hemsworth Wants You To Do This 9-Minute Bodyweight Challenge
You know … the hot, buff Australian dude who plays Thor.
And I mean, come on: Nine minutes?!? Who can’t do that? It only involved three actual exercises broken up into three quick rounds that can be done anywhere, really fast and (if I was reading the headline right) would instantly turn me into a hot, buff Australian dude. Just a few pushups (already do those), squats (always good to do) and I didn’t know much about this one, but it sounded cute and furry: “burpees.” (This is the point where any CrossFit aficionados reading this will call a friend and say, “Hey, come see what this idiot wrote!”)
This is actually a cool challenge supporting the Battle Cancer Move Forward program to help cancer survivors regain their fitness. It’s also designed to kick the living string beans out of people like me who thought they were in good shape, but turns out are now about 65 percent cookie crumbs.
See, a “burpee” is actually an ancient torture technique designed to make your core feel like someone walked an ox over the top of you. (It turns out oxen were very scarce during this time period, so they needed a substitute.)
You drop from a standing position into a squat, kick your feet out behind you, do a pushup, pop back up and jump as high as you can. The challenge calls for a first round of 10 pushups, 10 squats and then 10 burpees, all done in quick succession. I crushed the pushups, the squats and the first six of the burpees, which would have been really good … if I hadn’t immediately thrown up (twice!), then lost consciousness, dreaming that a rare ox was doing burpees on my chest.
Somehow, I made it through the entire challenge, then collapsed in a heap of tears. I don’t look any more like Thor, and I don’t have the strength to put my belt on to check for belt notch improvement. So, I’ll keep working at it. Maybe it’s time to find a cookie challenge to counter-balance my new fitness craze. I wonder if there are any kale-flavored ones?