If you got your stimulus check from the IRS, hooray for you! Seriously … I mean that. Hoo-ray! I’m glad for you. It’s just that, I haven’t gotten mine yet, and while I’m not desperate for it – I have snacks! – I do kind of want it. Because it’s mine. And I kind of feel like, well, you got yours, so … WHERE’S MINE!?!
But I haven’t gotten it yet. I know this because I check my bank account roughly 700 times a day … to the point that the tips of my fingers have gone numb and I’m starting to hallucinate about the IRS logo chasing me through the desert. (I mean, what is that logo? An eagle proudly doing his taxes or something?)
Again, don’t worry about me financially. I just get a little neurotic about things. When I was late for my own birth, I started knocking on my mother’s womb and calling out, “Hell-OOOO! Can we get a move on here?!?”
Maybe you’re like me: Wanting that money. So I have put together some helpful hints on finding out more information on your check, as well as coping with the frustration of waiting for it to arrive in your bank account:
• This is extremely important, as in everything I’ve read all experts recommend this: Check your bank account 700 times a day. Do it until the tips of your fingers go numb and you start to hallucinate about the IRS logo chasing you through the desert. It doesn’t matter if you just checked it 3 seconds ago. Because maybe at that moment the direct deposit was still processing and now it’s in there. Yeah, good point. Hold on a second while I go … DANG! Where is it?
• Come up with really elaborate and wild explanations for why you didn’t get it. Like the IRS has a “See the Future” machine and knew you were going to write this column. And that made them mad. So, they took your check and “accidentally” mailed it to a guy in Albuquerque named Stan Livingston … in care of his dog. Or, even worse, they fell victim to one of those Nigerian princes email scams and gave your money to someone who promised to send them $1 million if they just turned over some simple bank account info first.
• Read lots and lots of obscure IRS guidelines, frequently asked questions, explanations and even-more-obscure procedural backgrounders. Really get down in the weeds on this one. Explore the deep crevices of the IRS web site in the hopes of finding something down in there to explain the delay. You won’t find anything – believe me I’ve tried! – but a few minutes into this bleak, uncharted wasteland and you will be thankful you’re not the poor schlub who has to write all that stuff.
• Get really focused on the reasons for payment ineligibility and think that must be what your problem is. For instance, if you read: “Nigerian princes who have international warrants for trafficking black market lima beans will be excluded from collecting any stimulus funds, except for what they can harvest through illegal email scams,” then think to yourself: “Oh my gosh! That must be it! Could it be I’M a Nigerian prince and I just got amnesia or something?!?” Spend some time considering this very real possibility.
• Read stories about how the IRS is sending checks to dead people. Check your pulse. Feel both relieved and grateful … then wonder if there is some kind of angle you could work here.
• Try the IRS’s “Get My Payment” online stimulus checker/tool/thing. Come on, do it … I dare you. Think to yourself, “Man, this is so awesome! I’m gonna’ finally find out when I’m getting my money.” Think to yourself, right before you type in all your information, “See, I knew the world was perfect and everything works like it should,” and then – when the site returns these words: “Payment Status Not Available” – just go ahead and throw your shoe through your monitor. (And if the glass, doesn’t shatter too badly and you can still see the screen, re-type your information to see if you get a different result this time.)
• Take a break. Relax. Realize it will come and you need to be patient. Then Google this: “Hungry groundhog in Philadelphia eats slice of pizza.” I know groundhogs shouldn’t be eating pizza, but this is the funniest thing you will see in a long time. Plus, it will take your mind off of your stimulus check … and all the money you gave away to that Nigerian princes email scam. Why did I open that email?!?