There must be other news out there. Out there in the universe. Something new. News stories that aren’t solely focused on the one item that none of us seem able to escape or get away from for one merciful minute: “Tiger King!” No … I mean coronavirus.
But either one, man. Try to find a station, newspaper or media feed where those two aren’t dominating. And I don’t mean to make light of it. I know it’s serious business, but we all need a break. We need a chance to catch our breaths and read something else – to know that there is a world out there that isn’t only about death rates, what the president said or why the greatest country on the planet STILL can’t put more toilet paper on grocery store shelves.
I mean, seriously! We have developed phones that will video-conference us anywhere in the world and vehicles that are road-tripping around Mars, but even the single-ply stuff is impossible to come by!
So for you, my loyal readers (all eight of you), I made it my focus, my challenge, my duty to search high and low for the best news that isn’t getting to you. The news that is still happening, but gets buried under the constant barrage of coronavirus/Tiger King coverage. Consider this your escape – your few minutes of relief and sanctuary before you return to the maelstrom that surrounds us 24-7:
• Story No. 1: … OK, hold on …
This is actually way harder than I thought. I mean, I figured this would be a cool idea, and maybe a LITTLE time consuming, but I’m 30 minutes in and the best I could do was: “How a small town reacted when its mayor was caught growing weed.” Um …
Now, there’s no shortage of stories like these: “Pandemic answer on ‘Jeopardy’ has people totally freaked out,” “Now is the worst time to buy internet-connected sex toys, but there are alternatives,” and the story that will keep me from sleeping for weeks, “China snake village scales down as coronavirus prompts wildlife trade ban.” A whole village run by snakes?!? Is there a snake mayor? And how do they drive the school buses? I mean, that is terrifying!
Must try harder. Just got to put on the ‘ole journalism cap and do some heavy searching. OK, so here we go …
• Story No. 1: An article headlined, “The Strange and Dangerous World of America’s Big Cat People” … oh dangit!!! That’s a Tiger King story. OK, stand by …
Let’s see, let’s see: “How to not completely hate the people you’re quarantined with?” Nope. How about Slate’s, “The groceries that no one wants to panic-buy?” Nope, but this is hysterical. Photos of completely empty grocery shelves EXCEPT for things like: spaghetti made from chickpeas, chocolate hummus (oh, Lord … who got drunk one night and dreamed that up!?!) or … shivers … kidney beans! Poor kidney beans. Not even a pandemic can make you popular again.
Just … need … more … time. Come on, Brian. Focus! “Why soap works.” Seriously? Because you can’t use dirt! And that’s another coronavirus story. “Fans are concerned after watching Lele Pons dramatically fall through a glass door while she was learning a TikTok dance” – I don’t even know what any of that means, but I’m assuming it’s another pandemic story. “How to reseal a bag of chips without using a clip” – seriously, people, it’s a virus, not the apocalypse. You can still find chip clips at the store! It’s one of the only things you can find in the store – I read the article in Slate.
And then finally …
I DID IT!!!
Five hours later … hundreds of web sites … endless news organizations and feeds and blogs and social media and I found it. The one story not involving the Tiger King or coronavirus …
• Story No. 1: “How to load a dishwasher the right way, once and for all.” Check it out now on House Beautiful. Do it quick, before it’s replaced with a story about how to pair chickpea spaghetti with kidney beans for a terrific self-quarantine spring pasta. Or how The Tiger King should decorate his coronavirus bunker, once he gets out of prison.