Maybe it’s that I had just – that very same day! – read an article about how smoke detectors don’t last forever. Every … I don’t know, I didn’t pay close attention … 9 or 10 years you should replace them, it said. Get new ones because they wear out.
“Hmm,” I thought deeply. “I wonder what I should have for lunch?”
And that would have been the end of it … IF THE DANG-BLAST SMOKE DETECTOR HADN’T GONE OFF THAT NIGHT FOR NO APPARENT REASON!!!
No smoke. No fire. No fine powder floating through the air. No, it was as if …
IT WAS READING MY MIND!!!
Do you have another explanation? Some other plausible reason why such a thing could happen? Just mere coincidence? No way! It’s further proof – I have more, people! – that our appliances are conspiring against us. Up to no good.
Not the regular ones. The old fashioned ones that cook our dinners and make our ice. The dutiful, hard-working devices that salute and serve. I’m talking about the connected, WIFI-enabled, Smart-home branded, AI-enhanced gadgets and gismos we’ve come to rely on to tell us the weather and buy us groceries and impress our friends who will think, “Gee, I never realized how much better life is when you can say, ‘Alexa, please flush the toilet.’”
Yeah, man, that’s pretty cool, but I’m telling you. I think they’re taking over. I think they’re coming for us. I think we are full-on facing the “Attack of the Electronic Zombies.” (Trademark pending.)
Need more proof than a smoke detector that could read my mind? How about the wireless Bluetooth speaker in my bedroom that decided to beep randomly in the middle of the night. Two deep, bass-heavy beeps. Then nothing. Perhaps, thinking I wasn’t awake, it was trying to talk to the smoke detector. Or what about the Amazon Echo downstairs that started playing Chet Baker on all the speakers throughout the house. Clear indication of hive intelligence? A zombie army linking up in preparation for their electronic apocalypse?
Everyone is so worried about whether our electronic devices are listening and recording us. Stealing our state secrets and videotaping us as we bend over to put on our shoes. Hey, we all have a little plumber’s crack! It just happens.
But do I really need to worry about a virtual assistant recording my stale dinner table conversations (Me to my daughter: “Anything exciting happen at school today?” Daughter: “Ugghh! I hope the Zombie Electronic Apocalypse comes soon so I don’t have to do this anymore!”)
Maybe it’s a sign it’s really happening.
Or maybe it just signals our electronic addiction. Our over reliance on anything with “app” or “virtual” or “smart” tucked onto its name. That we hold them too high in stature. Expect no problems, mistakes or miscues. Believe in their perfection, and put all of our trust in them, even above ourselves. And maybe most frightening, how much we’ve come to depend upon them. Because, seriously, what would we do without them? I mean, how would I play music?!? Come to think of it, I don’t even know how to play music anymore.
AHHHH!!!
Remember days of dropping CDs … I mean cassettes … I mean records onto a player and hearing what you want? A time before electronic automation and algorithm-based, streaming playlists? When you did things with your very own hands? What was that like?
Maybe we’ve just come to rely on them too much. Believed in their infallibility. Given up too much of our own responsibility for running our households. Might be time to take some of it back, before the zombie electronic army really has time to assemble.
Oh, and maybe I shouldn’t give my mother such a hard time when she calls to complain that strange voices in her computer are talking to her. Could be she was right all along.