I just did it. I have lost the battle. I have given up. I tried not to do it. With all my might. As much as my poor, frail, meek body could. Not to be a sucker. Not to give into temptation. Not to be a glutton for endless entertainment, and all the offers out there. To say no to technology and mass media and things I don’t need.
By golly, I tried. I even sat down, swore it off and read a book.
But I failed.
I signed up for Disney+. Another streaming service. Because I want Star Wars. And a new Star Wars show called “The Mandalorian.” I would love to blame it on children. Or demons. Or … I don’t know … capitalism! But that’s all a lie. It’s me. I wanted it. I had to have it. I needed to drop more money on … another service.
So, now I am directing that my paycheck continue to feed my addiction. I’m the worst (or if you’re an entertainment provider, the best!) kind of customer. I still have my old-fashioned, old-timey cable that comes down from the hills in one of them yesteryear copper wires that the whipper-snapper hipsters snicker at because it’s old-school and, like, totally dates me as a … I don’t know … would they say “fuddy-duddy?” Or just dummy?
“Cable!?!” they say. “That thing where you flip through 200 channels and never find anything to watch? And then you get frustrated, land on the Hallmark Channel and start watching, ‘Christmas in Phoenix’ because you have to justify all the money you spend. So you actually watch it!!! Dumb old fuddy-duddy!”
Yep, got that. Got to have my live English soccer, and my daughter has 82 shows from 8 years ago DVR-ed that she’ll never watch again. But we can’t part with them. So I have to pay for that.
And then, yep, I got my Netflix. Because, honestly, who doesn’t have Netflix? You have to have Netflix. Because if you’ve got cable, and you want to feel better about yourself when people are laughing at you, you have to be able to say, “Dude, just like step off, OK? Because I’ve totally got Netflix!” (And if you actually say that, people will literally start rolling around on the ground in hysterics. But, after they stop laughing, they will at least admit, “Well, at least it’s not Hulu.”)
And I’ve got my shows on Netflix. And my wife and daughter have their shows on Netflix. So we pay some money to Netflix. Once I’m done with my shows, I go on Netflix and I flip through like 200 different streams and not one of them has anything I want to watch. So then I land on … “Christmas in Phoenix” by the Hallmark Channel. Because, you know, it was really good!
And I’ve got Amazon Prime Video. Because I can get shipments of my hair conditioner with the mango chai scent in like 23 seconds. Which means I can also stream all their videos. So I go on there and scroll around and then settle on … “Christmas in Phoenix.”
And I might need to add (don’t tell the hipsters) Hulu. Because I’m thinking my family should binge the TV show, “Lost.” It’s exclusively on Hulu. So, I better add that. Cha-ching!
And of course, back to Disney+. That’s their new streaming service for movies and TV. Heard about it? It has that strategic “+”on the end. This just means I added another entertainment provider. Which really means … cha-ching! But I had to do it. Because, you know, “The Mandalorian!!!” And I have to watch that. Because “boo!” books. And “boo!” cable. And “boo!” paycheck.
And, before you know it, I’ll be scrolling through that one too, and I’ll land on … you guessed it … “Christmas in Phoenix.” Because, man, that was a really great movie. And, after all, I AM paying for it.