Dear mom,
First off, happy Mother’s Day! Wow, it’s been 46 years and you’re still there for me, continuing to “parent” me and tell me when to put my napkin in my lap or how to properly chew my food. Am I the luckiest son in the world, or what?
Anyway, I wanted to say I’m sorry I got mad at you for calling me this week … at work … in the middle of the day. It’s just that it’s work, and it was the middle of the day, and I recognize that there are emergencies when you need to call me, but I just didn’t feel that a bird flying into your house and perching itself on the fireplace qualified.
Why? Well, for starters, you left the screen door open. That was just a pure invitation to neighborhood wildlife that they had every right to come in and take a look around. Secondly, the bird willingly flew back out, causing no damage, inflicting no violence on your or your cats and generally breaking no laws, aside from trespassing, which most lawyers will tell you is going to be exceedingly hard to prove in court.
Finally, the main reason you were calling me was to point out, and I quote: “Is this bird the stupidest animal on the planet?!?” Calling to pontificate about animal intelligence does not qualify as mid-day emergency. I mean, that one is really a stretch.
So, I thought I would share for you a few examples of things you CAN call me at work for:
• There is an alien spaceship that has landed in your backyard as the first wave of an invasion planned for late summer. On top of that, a couple of the aliens have come to the backdoor to ask if they can use your bathroom until their rented Port-A-Let arrives. Just say, “No!”, slam the door and then call me.
• A new Star Wars movie trailer has been released and because of a connection you made on the kitty litter aisle of the grocery store, you are now one of only three people in the world who knows about it. Call at any time, even if I am in a super important meeting.
• After switching cat food brands … AGAIN! … your severely-angered cats have taken you hostage, bound you up in the Florida room and given you one phone call so I can go and purchase the really expensive food they see on all the TV commercials. They also want to be fed out of the good crystal champagne glasses.
• An entire flock of birds has flown into your house. They’re foaming at the mouth, have tattoos, bandanas on their heads and are talking about turning your house into a biker bar for sparrows and blue jays. They hand you an eviction notice and ask where the cappuccino machine is.
These are all perfectly acceptable reasons to call me at work.
Anyway, happy Mother’s Day! You’re a wonderful mom, but keep the screen door closed and the world’s stupidest animals will surely stop coming inside.