OK, I have officially had it. I am through, absolutely through. Here we are, something like four months out from the next presidential election and I just can’t take it any more.
It’s not the candidates that have me going coo-coo. That whole song and dance is at least entertaining. What I’m talking about are the polls — the endless, non-stop, daily, earth-shuttering, hurry-up-and-read-it-‘cus-a-new-one’s-coming-in-five-minutes polls.
They’re everywhere. You take a shower — there’s a poll in there. You try to eat your breakfast cereal — there’s a poll in there. Anywhere you look, there’s a new poll.
Look, I understand wanting to take the pulse of the nation, but aren’t we going a little overboard here? This isn’t taking the pulse — this is a 24-hour MRI.
We don’t need this much information. Take a few polls every couple of months and be done with it. I think we can afford a little suspense in our lives. Just a little.
But if regular polls aren’t bad enough, I’m noticing a new trend: stupid polls. At least with regular polls, there’s relevant information that doesn’t knock the collective IQ of the nation down a notch or two. They basically just ask potential voters which candidate will get their hanging chad, and questions like that.
Understandable, if moderated.
But stupid polls are thought up by people who have been hitting the cough syrup too hard. It’s about the only explanation. For instance, just the other day I saw a poll that asked dog owners which candidate they supported. Let me just say again so it really sinks in: There honest to goodness was a poll that asked dog owners who they planned to vote for president.
When I saw that one, I literally laid down on the ground figuring hell was freezing over, the universe was about to implode and what good was trying to fight it.
Miraculously, the world kept on spinning so new, even more ridiculous polls could be born.
But, come on, dog owners?!? Were they just really bored that day in the poll factory? I picture desperate pollsters locked in a room trying to come up with a question by their 5 o’clock deadline when one blurts out, “Dogs, dammitt, let’s ask about dogs.” The guy was later checked into the psych ward, but they ran with the poll anyway.
Why stop at dog owners, though? I say we poll the dogs themselves. Which candidate makes you want to scratch? Which makes you want to lick your private areas? Or beekeepers. I’d like to know which way the beekeepers are leaning. Why don’t we poll 3-year-olds? Now that could give us some fascinating information.
What will pollsters dig up next? People who can spell “Poughkeepsie” tend to favor Obama, while those who have actually been there swing to McCain.
What about hot dog eaters: Will those who like ketchup go for McCain while Obama lands the mustard eaters. (Let’s not even bring up relish, as those people usually go for independent candidates and they’ll mess up our numbers.)
I saw a poll just before July 4th asking people whom they would rather invite to their holiday cookout. What does that tell you? Some picked Obama because he looked like he could flip a mean burger, and others picked McCain because they thought if the fire got out of control, he would know how to put it out. Who would I pick? That’s easy. Whichever one offers to bring the lobsters. You show up at my house with a Jell-O mould and you’re not coming in.
There was another poll that gauged people’s opinions of the prospective first wives. I want to know if they asked questions about whether people liked their choice of nail polish colors? Are they patriotic enough?
Still another one asked people to blurt out the first word that came to mind for each candidate. McCain got “old” and Obama “change.”
What the poll didn’t show was that the number one response from people actually was: “Stop calling here, stupid pollster!”