Another Christmas has passed, and what a wonderful and festive holiday it was, filled with merriment and cheer, and enough family to drive a 20-million-year-old boulder crazy.
So, it’s time to pause and take a moment to remember this Christmas with a little rumination about what it all meant:
• Glitter should be banned by the Geneva Convention. Some will criticize me and say there are bigger problems in the world, but I would argue they haven’t seen my sofa after a couple rounds of opening Christmas presents in the living room. Every time I get up, my hindquarters sparkle so much they can be viewed from low-level orbit. My wife read an article that said our fascination with glitter harks back to our love of the open water and its glimmering surface. Hey, if I need a glimpse of that, I’ll go to the kitchen tap and pour myself a glass.
• It doesn’t matter what time you get to your mother’s house on Christmas, somehow it will still be the wrong time, you’ll be late and she’ll blame you for the turkey being dried out. Get good with this.
• If you put a massive quantity of food down in front of your dog, your dog will eat it. All of it. Because she’s a dog, and that’s what dogs do. They can’t control themselves. They’re not higher mammals like we are. Which is why if you put a massive quantity of food down in front of your self, you should be able to keep from eating it all. Because if you do, your dog will think, “So much for that higher mammal bull honkey!”
• Greasy salami is slippery. Knives are very sharp. You do the math!
• You can’t blame gin drinks for everything. I mean, why not try? But I’m just saying not everything can be blamed on gin, and your family will get wise.
• Whatever you do, never think about how much sodium is in the Christmas sausage. Just enjoy it and let your family doctor deal with the issue next year.
• Underwear is never an acceptable gift … even as a joke. And definitely not in briefs. From a societal standpoint, this should be well understood by now.
• Whatever you do, never think about how much saturated fat is in cinnamon rolls. Just enjoy them, and remember your doctor won’t judge because he’s making money on the deal.
• Twelve-year-old children have the remarkable ability to stay up very late the night before Christmas and also rise VERY early the next day. This will allow you approximately 23 minutes of sleep on Christmas eve and make you feel like you are in some kind of government-funded sleep deprivation study.
• Families fight because they love each other and don’t know how to express themselves like normal people … who just send Christmas cards.
• No matter how much families fight, they do love each other and it’s important to remember that. It’s all part of the magic of Christmas. Plus, the fact that you’ll be living with the consequences of those cinnamon rolls for quite a few more months to come.