Very often the biggest downside of the holidays is trying to seamlessly fit together countless visits with family and friends so everyone goes away happy. It takes a master planner, a lot of patience, a quantum computer with next-generation calendar software and praying to multiple deities. Even then, your sanity will need to be sacrificed for it to work. Over the years I’ve become something of a pro at it, and I thought I would share my 10-step process for making your holiday season juggling merry:
1. Know that no matter how dire and impossible it might seem, in the end it will all work out and everyone will be happy. Keeping a positive attitude at all times is incredibly important. So is having a well-stocked bar.
2. When family and friends call to tell you their plans, it is wise to actually pay attention. Maybe even take notes. Because just like school, there will be a quiz later. And unlike school, your wife or significant other will not give you partial credit for answers like, “Uh … I think they’ll be here probably sometime this month … or possibly next … but definitely not February.”
3. When your wife demands that you call the relative back to the get the actual dates, break down into tears and remind her that the holidays are really hard on you because you didn’t get that Millennium Falcon“Star Wars” board game as a kid. This trick will work 3-out-of-4 times.
4. Be honest. You can’t please everyone, you can’t do everything and some ideas are just plain dumb. So, when a family member suggests that the ideal thing to do over Christmas break is to get everyone together for a yoga retreat in a mosquito-infested swamp, explain that you will be receiving a new pancreas on that day, but would love to try again next year.
5. Throwing other family members to the wolves to save yourself isn’t noble, but it is incredibly effective. I do this all the time with my brother. Be subtle and don’t overplay it. I suggest something like: “Gee,Aunt Tessie, while that sounds incredibly fun and like a life-altering experience, I am unfortunately booked that day. But you know, Scott mentioned the other day how fun it would be to go to a tea cup convention! Isn’t that an incredible coincidence?!? I’ll text him what time to pick you up.”
6. Driving to Palatka to pick up your aunt at the Amtrak station in the middle of the night can be fun. And you should keep telling yourself that …
7. Not everyone will be happy. But someone should be happy. And why shouldn’t that someone be you.
8. There was no Millennium Falcon board game, so if your wife often doubts you, you’re going to need to make a fake Web site about it to throw her off the trail.
9. Remember that family and friends are truly what the holidays are all about, and you’re lucky to have them.
10. Know that no matter how hard you try and plan, in the end none of it will work out and everyone will be miserable. And probably mad …at you. But that’s where keeping a positive attitude becomes so important.Because positive people remember they have a well-stocked bar.