There are few things more exciting, or more terrifying, than a new computer.
Exciting because, think of the possibilities! The old one used to creak along. Just opening a simple document or a Web page could be a long, arduous task. My geriatric machine would emit a loud groan and mutter under its breath, “Seriously! Didn’t we just do that two weeks ago?!?”
Documented fact: Today’s cutting-edge computers become slow, antiquated dinosaurs by the time you get them out of the box, and scientists measure computer speed using a highly technical measurement system known as STFPSLUM. It stands for, “Slower Than Frozen Poop Sliding Up a Mountain.”
My old machine was pretty high up on the STFPSLUM scale. In fact, it had stopped registering on it. Scientists would actually classify my computer as … a rock. But with no functioning calendar.
So, it was time for an upgrade. That was pretty exciting. And when it arrived and I took it out of the box and plugged it in, it was like a breath of fresh air (mixed with some kind of weird, metallic smell that surely took three years off my life, but think of the speed!)
Then the terror set in. This looks complicated! How do I get my old files onto the new one?!? How do I setup my gmail? What apps do I need that aren’t already on here? And worst of all … WHICH WAY DO THE BATTERIES GO IN THE WIRELESS MOUSE?!!? I mean, I can’t even see the battery symbol without my reading glasses!!!
I almost sent the whole thing back. And I ALMOST did the unthinkable: Called my mother to apologize for giving her such a hard time over her computer issues. She always calls my house for detailed instructions or explanations on how to do this or that. “So, what you’re saying is the ‘T’ on the keyboard will only type the letter ‘T’? Something about that just doesn’t sound right!”
I tell her that she is afraid of change and needs to adapt to new things and accept them. That just because she doesn’t like something doesn’t mean she shouldn’t learn how to do it. That the old ways were fine, but people used to get the bubonic plague and we don’t get nostalgic for that. So, just accept that the power button is now on the right side and deal with it!
Now I have a brand new computer, and it’s pretty awesome and can load stuff that I didn’t even know I wanted loaded. But all l’m really wondering is, “Why in the HECK did they have to put the power button on the right side!?! I mean, darn whipper-snapper engineering folks!”
I’m making do. I’m cursing my way through the changes and the settings that need re-setting. Getting my computer configured just like my slow old one. I’m even thinking about calling my mom. Not sure if it’s to apologize, or just to ask for advice. She got good with that “T” thing on the keyboard. Maybe she can help me work through some of my other issues.