Farewell midterm elections. You were exciting, you got us all out to vote and you boosted our blood pressure, which truthfully, none of us can actually afford. But now you’re gone, and doesn’t matter who won or what side lost, we are all just so glad we can go back to our normal lives and be rid of you.
But post-midterms, there are still a couple of issues I’m wrestling with like:
• Can’t we make the ballot experience easier? I mean, I graduated from college for one simple reason: So I would never, EVER have to take stressful, pressure-cooker exams again. I hate cramming until midnight in preparation for tests. And what was I doing the night before the election? CRAMMING!!! And I wasn’t the only one.
Figuring out the ballot was truly the one thing that brought us all together as Floridians. Didn’t matter which party or candidate you supported. Everyone gathered together begging for tips or hints. “How do I vote on Amendment 92 allowing everyone to call the International Space Station collect?” “Who is judge so-and-so and do you think he would let me off if I get a speeding ticket?” “Why are there so many extra candidates running for governor, and how do I get a gig like that?”
At my voting precinct there were actually scalpers: “Hey buddy, wanna’ buy an Amendment cheat sheet?” I felt like a criminal when I pulled out my cheat sheet — a little sticky note attached to my phone. My palms were sweaty and I said maybe too loud, “No cheat sheets over here. Yep, just taking my exam from memory.” The guy I handed my test to didn’t know when I would get my grade back, but he said to look in the mail sometime around December. Whew! I sure hope I passed.
• I know the election is over, but can someone please explain to me why we Floridians had a constitutional amendment that bans offshore drilling for e-cigarettes? Many will correct me, and call me dumber than dryer lent’s cousin, pocket lent. “No! It bans offshore drilling AND vaping indoors!” But I was in that ballot booth and I read that amendment about 19 times. I’m no constitutional lawyer, but what I think got banned was oil rigs drilling in search of a pocket of e-cigarette reserves under the seabed. Don’t believe me, look it up! I’m pretty sure.
• And while we’re talking about crazy constitutional amendments, why couldn’t we add a few more with bigger benefits to our state? For instance, a 30-year moratorium on future hurricane strikes. Would it work? Probably not. But neither does dancing half-naked in my front yard doing anti-hurricane chants every time a storm threatens us, and I still do that.
• Is Democracy great or what?!? Actually, that’s more rhetorical. It’s exhilarating every time I vote. Knowing that millions of Americans can all get fighting angry at each other, threaten terrible things, go vote and then all go to Target to buy cleaning supplies and assorted snacks together. Truly, it is an amazing country.
Now, if only we can figure out how to tap those e-cigarette reserves without threatening Florida’s shorelines.