I get it. Not everybody in America is a soccer fan, or gives a hoot about the ongoing World Cup. Sure, more than 3 billion people are tuning in and it’s kind of a big deal. But between the fact that the U.S. failed to qualify this year (boo!) and that most Americans are still hung up on why there are black spots on the ball (did it get run over by a car?), it’s understandable. Non-soccer lovers are scratching their heads and trying to figure out the world’s biggest sporting spectacle.
So, I put together a primer for those struggling to make sense of the grand soccer hootenanny in Russia:
• Yes, it is perfectly natural to feel like the world’s ugliest mammal after setting eyes on soccer stars like Ronaldo. Just remember: While they might have looks and super stardom, you don’t have to worry about what to spend millions of dollars on or which exotic car to drive to practice each morning.
• If you can’t watch a game live, address with family that texts spoiling the endings are punishable by death. This was an issue with my dad in the last World Cup. He would text something like, “Can you believe Germany just scored 5 goals in the span of two minutes!?!” “No!” I would text back. “I can’t believe it … BECAUSE I’M NOT RETIRED AND I’M AT WORK AND I DIDN’T KNOW IT UNTIL RIGHT NOW!!!” But he’s hip to the jive this year. Instead, he sends cryptic texts like this: “So … just saying, maybe catch Brazil-Costa Rica game later” or “Ermany-gay ust-jay cored-say ive-fay oals-gay!!!”
• One complaint a lot of people have about soccer is that players take dives, fake injuries and roll around on the ground as if a little girl kicked them in the shin. The truth is, they’re not cheats, unethical or unsportsmanlike. No, they’re just really bad actors. I think all soccer players should get stunt men training on how to look like they’ve stepped on a landmine.
• Can diving like a soccer player be a useful skill in real life? Yes! I suggest trying it if your boss is really mad at you. Roll around on the ground, complain that a co-worker tripped you and all will be forgotten. Soccer says, “you’re welcome!”
• Another complaint people have about soccer is that they’re low-scoring affairs. A simple solution to this is to keep your own score and do what American football does: Just randomly toss in 6 or 7 points per goal. Suddenly it’s a much more exciting 18-12 point game.
• If you want to have a lot of fun, catch a game in a pub with fans from Colombia, Brazil or any other South and Central American fans. That’s what I did while in D.C. this week. Now, the doctor says my hearing should return in 6-7 weeks and I may hear a buzzing sound like “GOALLLLLLLLLLLL!!!” for the rest of my life, but it’s worth it. Because it’s the World Cup, and 3 billion dive-loving fans can’t be wrong.