I’ve spent several days gathering up W2 forms. Scanning in documents. Calculating expenses and donations and figuring out the square roof of 72. It’s tax season and I’m getting down to business. So, the other night I finally filled out the tax organizing questionnaire my family accountant sent me. I don’t know if these are changes to the tax code this year, but every question seems a little strange to me. Maybe I’m just paying better attention. But does anyone else get questions like these?
Please answer the following questions with a Y or N:
• If you sold stocks at a loss last year, did you cry because you were the only person in America to lose money in a bull market?
• Have you or a family member found any loose change in your sofa cushions amounting to more than $13 million?
• If you or a family member found loose change in your sofa cushions, have you deposited it in an offshore account?
• Did you offload any junk vehicles, in particular a green 1978 Oldsmobile that had been parked in front of 273 Parkdale Road before it was stolen?
• Have you imported any illegal trophy animals only to re-export them because you didn’t like the smell?
• Did you lose a beloved pair of sunglasses this year causing you to experience emotional pain and mental anguish valued at more than $1,500?
• Have you ever truly tried to walk in someone else’s shoes?
• Did you find the experience painful? Or oddly soothing?
• Did you purchase a qualified plug-in electric vehicle this year?
• Did you purchase an unqualified electric vehicle that didn’t come with a plug and that you had to push with your feet?
• Did you exchange any regular currency for Bitcoin? And if so, what were you thinking?!?
• Do you live in an area that was declared a federal disaster area?
• Did you not heed your mother’s advice when she warned you that you were moving into an area that could potentially be declared a federal disaster area?
• Did you honestly think that you would get some kind of federal assistance because you didn’t listen to your mother about moving into a potential federal disaster area?
• If you answered “yes” to the above question, turns out YOU’RE RIGHT!!! Congratulations! And sorry about your house.
• Did you have any debts that became uncollectible?
• If yes, would you like the number to a guy named “Rocco” who likes to break things with his pinkies?
• Did you donate any clothes to charity this year?
• Did the clothes you donated all have spots on the front from tomato sauce you couldn’t get out in the wash?
• Have you ever considered wearing a plastic lobster bib?
• Do you consider sport fishing an actual sport?
• Would you feel the same way if the fish fought back?
• What is the square root of 72?
• Do you want to contribute $3 to the presidential election campaign fund? (Just kidding! No one in the history of America has ever contributed to that.)