I’ve been watching a lot of TV shows about mysteries: Mysteries of the unknown. Mysteries of the Bermuda Triangle. Mysteries of the weather. Mysteries concealed on satellite images. Mysteries of why we gain weight even though we SAY we don’t eat too much ice cream or drink too much beer.
But while I’m hooked on finding explanations for all of these worldly and even cosmic curiosities, it has also made me wonder about why we can’t solve some mysteries closer to home. Like literally in my kitchen. Because there are big mysteries in there that defy explanation and evade all answers. So, I put together this “Mysteries of the Kitchen” list in hopes that one day we might find a way to explain them all (hopefully on TV!):
• Why do Youtube videos make it seem like kitchen appliance repairs are so simple, raising my hopes and encouraging me to pop out a water dispenser panel on the fridge? But the guy in the video didn’t break two critical pieces of plastic when he did it, and then spend the rest of the afternoon Gorilla-gluing his fingers to his fridge. (Or maybe they just edited that part out?!?)
• How do you teach a nearly full-grown child how to scrape her dinner plate in such a way that at least a quarter of it ends up in the garbage can, and not on the floor?
• Where do all the chip clips go? I know for a fact that my family owns 22 million of them. Yet, whenever I need one, they’re nowhere to be found. What parallel universe do they escape to?
• Why can’t I pour a cup of coffee without spilling twice as much on the counter? I mean, I’ve been pouring things my whole life. I once got a medal! So, are all the coffee pots produced in the last decade faulty? Did the instructions on pouring change and no one told me?
• How do you train your dog not to plant herself right behind you on the floor so that when you turn around with that hot, barely-filled coffee mug, you won’t trip over her and spill the rest?
• How does spaghetti sauce cooked on a stove manage to splatter 20 feet across the kitchen and hit a window? I mean, it’s like a super splatter!
• Why is it a pot of rice never comes out the same way twice, no matter how many times in your life you’ve cooked it?
• Why is there an art to flipping pancakes on a griddle … but never the kind of art anyone would pay for?
• Why is it I will remember to mark the date I opened some item of food that has an infinite shelf life, but never the highly perishable food that expires in a week and will do irreparable kidney damage if consumed?