Why is anyone surprised that a chimpanzee might be smarter than a human? I wasn’t.
We think so highly of our own intellects, yet, as far as I know, we’re the only species on the planet who leaves our keys hanging in the door while running around the house screaming, “Where are my keys? Who stole my keys? Heavens, the world is over, I might as well end it all.”
They’re right there in the door! Do you think a chimp would do that? A chimp would have those keys out, be in the car and half way to Vegas, baby.
The news this week was that researchers in Japan tested not only chimpanzees’ mental abilities, but also pitted one 5-year-old chimp against college students in a cognitive test of wits. It involved numerals (something most college students have never seen) and flashing white blocks on a computer screen. The chimp smoked them.
Now, the story didn’t say, but I wonder how much time the college students wasted looking for a Nintendo Wii remote to use in the test, going out to get coffee, or asking researchers whether the chimp could do tricks. I’m around college students every day, and you have got to get them warmed up and focused before you pit them against a super-smarty like a chimp. They’re slow to the start line.
Even worse, several students then trained for six months on the test — which involved remembering numbered sequences of white blocks on a screen — and still failed to catch up.
Yikes!
But they probably faired better than I would. I’ll be the first to admit I have no cognitive skills, mental or otherwise. In fact, I don’t even know what cognitive means. Truth is, cognitive sounds like something you DON’T want to get. “Man, I was so cognitive last night. I thought I had swallowed a spoiled rhinoceros.”
I would be horribly embarrassed by a chimp, who no doubt would have to come over, put his arm around my shoulder and walk me through the test’s instructions three or four times.
Does this make chimps smarter? I don’t think so, nor do the researchers. But you have to wonder if maybe we’re all just rotting our brains and letting them go sour. Take, for instance … me. I was supposed to be writing this column on a cold Tuesday morning. I had drank some tea, eaten a bowl of cereal and was desperately trying to think of something — anything! — to do to delay actual work. Then — voila! — the Internet saved the day. There’s all kind of mindless drivel on the Internet, and I’m not ashamed to admit it that I clicked on a story about how pudgy Jennifer Love Hewitt looked in a bikini.
Hello oatmeal for brains!
The chimp would have finished the column, done the laundry, solved a couple of complex algebra equations, fed the dog, changed the oil in the car, and even had time to throw some poop at the wall. Truly a much higher intellect. It took me 20 minutes just to start the computer!
So we might be smarter overall, but the primates and other creatures of the wild could just start gaining on us. What if, while we’re all in a haze looking at photos of Kirstie Alley and watching YouTube, they make off with the keys to the car and all the snacks in the pantry? What if they start investing in the stock market? What if they start teasing us at petting zoos and calling us dumber than chimps?
Maybe we would deserve it. And come to think of it, maybe if the animals took over, it wouldn’t be such a bad thing. If a monkey wants to come write my column, I say bring it on, little fella. I barely have the cognitive skills to type on a keyboard as it is, and it sure would give me more time for the surfing the Net on cold Tuesday mornings.