I had just about reached my limit. That moment when I realized I had wasted enough of my time — my life! — staring at the computer screen while clicking on an endless supply of political ramblings, soccer recaps and advice columns about getting really rich while only raising two fingers. “Go do something productive!” I commanded myself. And I was just about to … when I saw the story headlined, “Luke Skywalker learned Jedi secrets while watching Youtube.”
Oh, I’ve got to click on that!
It was then that I realized I had a problem. That my whole family has a problem. Like millions of Americans, we’re hooked on screens. They’re everywhere in the house, and worse, we’re bound to them like umbilical chords. Unable to function, think or cope without them.
“How are you feeling today?”
“Hmm. I don’t know. Let me Google it.”
Which is why I think we need to break away. Free ourselves from the screens. So I have come up with a 5-step family cleanse to help us do it. We will shatter our reliance on the almighty screen and here’s how:
1. Recognize that screens are not a portal into great knowledge and infinite wisdom. Or an escape from the hum-drum world that envelopes us. Or a way to connect with people who think and feel just like we do. No, no, no. This is just a myth. Remember: screens are REALLY there so foreign hackers can steal our passwords and get us to turn over retirement savings by convincing us they are the crown princes of Banoonenzuala and need a mere $35,000 for bus fare before drowning us in untold riches.
2. Remind yourself that for every cat video you watch, 275 poor, starving brain cells die. I’m not sure that’s a documented fact, but I bet it’s true. And since the average person only has around 100 billion brain cells — I know this because I Googled it — we could pretty much knock out the whole stock in around 20 minutes.
3. Pick up a book. Stare at it. Concentrate on it. Notice the shape. It’s rectangular, isn’t it? Just like a screen. Now take a deep breath and imagine you’re watching cat videos on it. Better, isn’t it? Yes, books are good.
4. Ponder this: When you are looking for wonderful and exciting ideas, experiences and places on your computer, are you completely missing the wonderful and exciting world that surrounds you? Ask yourself, “Is this ironic?” Realize you have no idea what “ironic” means — you thought it was a health issue when you ate too much steak — and go look it up on your computer. (Give yourself an extra 10 minutes to read that Luke Skywalker story. It was REALLY interesting!)
5. I can’t honestly remember what 5 was. I got hung up on a fascinating article about a pig who saved a farmer thousands of dollars by writing off slop as a tax deduction. Also worth reading!