I think it’s time for a new tradition here in the column: answering questions about Christmas that you always wanted to know, but were too afraid to ask your friends. So, consider this my holiday present to you:
Q. Is there a statute of limitations on sending Christmas cards?
A. According to the Institute on Postal Greetings, ideally your Christmas cards should arrive at least 5 days before Christmas. It is acceptable, but slightly uncouth, to knowingly send cards that arrive up to 3 weeks after Christmas. It is HIGHLY DISCOURAGED, however, to send the cards you made 7 years ago and never mailed out because you were in charge of getting stamps, but couldn’t remember where the Post Office was.
Q. When your wife opens up her Christmas present, finds an electric leg shaver and says, “Oh, honey! Just what I always wanted,” does she really mean it?
A. No! Of course not. That was a terrible gift. You knew that going into it. The only reason you bought it was it had been marked down 40 percent, plus there was an additional discount because it was missing key parts. Take the fact that she is pretending to like it — and not hitting you over the head with it! — as a kind of moral victory.
Q. What is eggnog, and why do we drink it?
A. No one actually knows. Some scientists believe it is proof that extraterrestrials have already visited Earth. That said, it’s a horrible substance and definitely shouldn’t be consumed with fruit cake (because that’s exactly what the aliens would want us to do!)
Q. What is the appropriate holiday ratio of sweets to vegetables for staying healthy … and not looking like Santa’s understudy?
A. Ratios are highly ineffective. Instead, look for telltale signs like being drawn to comfort-band pants at stores, or if you find yourself having to punch new holes in your belt way down at the very tip of the leather. These are far better indicators that you need to eat more carrots.
Q. My child’s room is literally sagging under the weight of all of the Christmas toys she received last year. Should I consult a structural engineer before this holiday?
A. Legally, I’m unable to give construction advice anymore (ever since my theory that load-bearing walls are absurd turned out to be technically wrong.) However, I have a new theory that if you put pillows under really heavy stuff, it won’t weigh as much.
Q. Did Santa really eat the cookies?
A. Of course Santa ate the cookies! Who else would? The dog with the crumbs all over her chin and who can’t even make eye contact with you anymore?!? It was totally Santa!