If your house is like mine, you’ve been getting lots of phone calls recently. And because no sane person actually makes phone calls anymore, you know all these calls are just automated election polls asking your opinion on this issue or that candidate.
It’s not just the sheer quantity of the polls that bother me, but also that they ask the same questions and limit your answers to the same boring answers. So I’ve designed my own poll that I would love to see dialing the homes of millions of Americans (who will never answer their phones.) Here it is:
Are you planning to vote on election day?
A. Yes
B. No
C. Only if a family member is being held hostage
D. There’s an election this year?!? How come no one said anything?
Which party do you support?
A. Democrats
B. Republicans
C. Independents
D. That crazy dance party in the Nevada desert where they burn a big wooden man and then wonder why in the world they are listening to music in a desert.
Do you think the country is on the …
A. Right track
B. Wrong track
C. The 8:30 track for Tulsa, Oklahoma.
D. Who cares? We’re still better than Canada.
Which one word would you choose to describe this year’s election?
A. Absurd
B. Absurd
C. Absurd
D. Absurd
Which of the following corresponds with how you feel about this year’s election?
A. Seasick
B. The time that grade school bully made you eat a rotten egg
C. The day your gerbil, Eddie, died
D. The last time you were in a car accident
What quality do you find most important in a presidential candidate?
A. Ability to lie without moving his/her lips
B. Whether they will eat a stick of fried butter at the Iowa State Fair
C. Color scheme picked for campaign plane
D. Whether they can name all of the judges on “Dancing with the Stars”
If your chosen candidate loses, will you …
A. Threaten to move to Canada
B. Move to Canada
C. At least get a travel book about Canada and look at the pictures
D. Remember that as nice as Canada is, it’s still better here