Dads shouldn’t be allowed to shop for back-to-school supplies. It’s a common fact. An unwritten rule. A law that some enterprising politician ought to propose. Everyone
knows it. Dads know it. Moms know it. Poor little kids know it. Yet, every year, millions of dads still do it, and catastrophe unfolds.
I speak from personal experience.
I don’t say this in some macho, chauvinistic way. Like it’s below us or that real men should be out chopping wood instead of grabbing loose leaf paper. No, it’s more that we’re an impatient, easily-frustrated walking embarrassment to our family. And we don’t know a No. 2 pencil from a … well … a No. 3?
I went with my wife and daughter shopping for school supplies the weekend before she started fifth grade. It wasn’t my cup of tea.
The way I see school shopping: You grab a bunch of stuff and throw it in a basket. You have maybe a 50-50 shot some of it is what you need, but more importantly, you’re on the way home!
The way my wife sees it: You treat it like a quest for the Holy Grail. You commandeer a store clerk and discuss the merits of an 80-pack of pencils versus buying three separate packs of 24.
“Can you believe how expensive these pencils are?” she said at one point.
“No, I can’t,” I replied. “Because I refuse to employ brain cells on the cause.”
That did not sit well with her.
There were all manner of things we needed: Some kind of zipped-up binder the size of a city block. It came with a carrying strap that could hold jet pilots in their seats and a warning about how if overloaded it could cause spine compression and height-loss.
There were scissors and colored pencils and composition books. Cap erasers and special pocket folders. All needed to be examined and carefully considered.
My daughter hovered over the chord-free mouse she needed, marveling at the colors and patterns. “WOW! Do you think I’m more black polka dots or pink with stripes?” she asked me.
“GRUMBLE GRUMBLE GRUMBLE!!!” I said.
“Yeah, me, too,” she said. “Better keep looking.”
Aaaargh!
But maybe it was then that I realized I might be missing the bigger point. That I had forgotten what it was like to be a kid — all the excitement and anticipation and nerves and even pressure that comes with school. How you’re buying things that you’ll carry and use and spend an entire year with. How it’s a tradition and a right of passage. How it’s fun! Not just throwing a bunch of things in a basket.
I had lost all sight of that. That this will only happen a few more times. Time passes quickly. There is no replay button. Never take a moment for granted. Even this one should be savored.
Aaaargh! Message received.
So maybe dads SHOULD back-to-school shop. Maybe even be required. But just please don’t make us sort out that No. 2 pencil thing. It doesn’t make any sense!