Boy, nothing prepares you for July in Florida. Doesn’t matter how long you’ve lived here, or how many Florida summers you have under your belt. This month always rolls around and it’s just a shock to the system. Like we never saw it coming. So with the heat pouring on, it’s time to remember all the ways we Floridians know to beat the heat.
• Put your foot down. I had to do that on July 4th. My mother planned to have us eat at her house under the grape vine arbor, when the afternoon heat index was still hovering around the boiling point of lava. “There’s a nice breeze blowing,” she said. Only, it wasn’t a breeze. It was air that had caught fire and was racing by, searching for water.
“No, we’re not eating outside,” I finally said. “We’re not doing anything outside. It’s Florida, and smart people prefer to live.”
• Studies have shown that a mid-afternoon Florida car can be more effective at melting steel than industrial furnaces. So don’t get into your car unless you’re wearing a flame-retardant suit. Or pay a co-worker or a perfect stranger a couple bucks to lower your windows and start your air conditioning. And goodness me, never sit on vinyl seats in shorts. It will brand the pattern onto the back of your legs permanently.
• Stay focused as you apply sunscreen. If you’re like me, you have a tendency to get bored, lose interest and forget that you only did one side of your body. This will make for very interesting sunburns, and later, tan lines. You will endure weeks of people pointing and laughing.
• The best time to go for a run this time of year is at 2 a.m. … in Antarctica … in a nice dream while napping with an ice pack taped to your head. In other words, don’t run. If you do run, make sure you leave your will in an obvious location, as your loved ones will never understand your filing system when you’re gone.
• Stay hydrated. It’s the only way to ward off spontaneous combustion.
• Cool down (or at least put the heat into perspective) by reading stories about Venus, the hottest planet in the solar system. Temperatures can reach upwards of 460 degrees there. Although, with very low humidity and a nice breeze, it still feels cooler than an July Orlando theme park visit.
• When visitors ask dumb questions like, “Is it always this hot and humid?” just blot at your brow, shrug your shoulders and say, “Seems mighty nice out to me. Gives me the chance to talk with this heat-induced hallucination of Abraham Lincoln.”
• Know that there is no way to “beat the heat.” Only to survive it. And that’s what we Floridians do best, all the while dreaming of October and November. You know, when the air stops catching fire and we can start driving our cars again without burning our palms on the steering wheel.