Clearly, we’ve got some work to do. I don’t mean to make light of a serious situation … it’s just what I do. But if there’s one thing that little puff of a Tropical Storm Colin taught us, it’s that we no longer know what we’re doing. We’re tropical turnips. We Floridians have gone far too long without serious weather threatening us. We’ve atrophied from battle-hardened, tropical troopers to sad, clueless chimps. (“So is a tropical storm when you crouch under your desk in fetal position or when you bring all the plants and cats in?!?”)
I feel you, friends. And that’s why I think Colin was a great wake-up call — a reminder to be better prepared in case a far-worse storm comes. Here are some of the most important lessons I learned this week:
• I don’t have a “mother” plan. This is not “what to do with my mother” — for the most part, she’s plenty capable of taking care of herself. What I’m referring to is a plan for how I DEAL with my mother. For instance, like the phone call I got at work on the day of the storm. It went something like this: Mom: “Brian, I need you to come over and move the silver to a higher location in case it floods.” Me: “Mom, it’s already in the attic!” Mom: “Yes, but I want you to take it up to a storage center in Charlotte, N.C., just to be safe.” Was NOT prepared for that! And it made me want to start drinking, which would have thrown all my other plans off.
• All of my emergency batteries have been used in the Wii, my daughter’s toys or are leaking so much acid in the closet that they burned a whole through the floor. Which it turns out isn’t that big a problem since the flashlights and other lights are scattered to the four corners of the Earth and cannot be found.
• My dog will not go outside to pee in the rain. This is a major issue! We’ve never been through a big storm with Lily. And it occurred to me in this little storm that the lug-head has zero interest in getting her precious little feetsies wet when it’s raining out. I could be wrong, but I think the sad, pitiful look she gave me was a request for me to carry her to do her business. That’s not happening!
• Thanks to a perfect storm of too many channels and the fact that we only watch Disney Channel, Netflix and it seems the new version of “Roots” at my house, I no longer have any idea how to find The Weather Channel. WHAT CHANNEL IS THE WEATHER CHANNEL?!?
So, the lesson? Be prepared. And if you have suggestions on any of these eventualities, please write me at your earliest convenience. (Including if you know of any silver storage centers on high ground WITHIN the state!)