The little sign reached out and smacked me upside the head: “14 days to Christmas,” it proclaimed.
Unwritten and invisible to all but me were these words: “This jerkface hasn’t started Christmas shopping yet. He’s doomed!”
Wow, Christmas countdowns have gotten mean this year.
But it was right. Two weeks out and I was desperate. In trouble. Possibly ruined.
How had this happened? How could this be? Christmas is supposed to be the season of giving. I had turned it into the season of goofing off.
And at that moment, the Christmas Shopping Panic set in.
Christmas Shopping Panic — A condition brought on by holiday procrastination and the ignorant belief that there are Christmas elves who will appear in the night, ask for your credit card and then take care of all your shopping for a small tip (usually gingerbread cookies.) Christmas Shopping Panic is sometimes referred to as “Jerkface Syndrome.” According to medical Web sites, symptoms include night sweats, gnawed-off fingernails, talking to imaginary elves and trips to the Dollar Store where you scream, “I’ll take it! All of it! Can you gift wrap a Sponge Bob potato peeler?”
CSP afflicts more men than women — shocker! — and is the leading cause of children disowning their parents.
Because no elves have visited me, I’m scrambling. Amazon.com has become my newest friend — the closest thing to an elven personal shopper. Thanks to free two-day shipping, I can live life on the edge. I’m like a Christmas tight rope walker, drunk on the adrenaline as I drop item after item into the shopping cart. Yippee!
I don’t even know what I’m buying anymore. Amazon makes all sorts of recommendations. For people it has never met! And I’m in such a catatonic online-shopping state that I go along with all of them: “Really, Mr. Amazon? You suggest Lady Killer Underarm Body Spray for Aunt Martha?!? Well, you’re never wrong. I’ll take a whole case!”
Into the shopping cart it goes. She’ll love it!
This is what I have been reduced to: A sad, sweaty, fingernail-less online-shopping fool, carrying on conversations with Web site algorithms and buying anything that says, “Customers who bought this item also bought.” Banana-flavored oatmeal?!? Load me up! LOAD ME UP!
My family will be so excited (and in some cases offended) to see what’s under the tree. That’s provided it all gets delivered in time. And provided the countdown clock still has just a couple more days on it. Its invisible words now read, “Don’t know how this jerkface pulled it off!”
So thank you, Christmas Shopping Panic and thank you online shopping elves. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good (sweat-less) night.