It’s called “vacation on the brain.” It can be a debilitating condition, and every year it afflicts millions of Americans who can’t stop thinking about an upcoming trip. For some it means loss of sleep, twitchy legs, mis-matching socks, only shaving one side of your face, putting on sunscreen and goggles for no apparent reason, carrying fold-out roadmaps, and loss of productivity at work. (And let’s be honest: Most of us were already pretty un-productive as it was.)
Vacation on the brain is a serious epidemic. Think you might be suffering from it? Here are a few warning signs to watch out for:
• Do you practice loading the car in the middle of the night? Do you critique previous loading strategies for trips? “What were you thinking last year stacking a water jug on top of the Oreos!?!” Do you draw complex, geometry-defying diagrams for how suitcases, a cooler the size of Delaware and 11,000 toys your child plans to bring will fit in perfectly? Do you share strategies on Internet message boards with other obsessive car loaders (who may or may not inhabit insane asylums)?
• Do you find yourself staring at Google maps and studying driving routes for hours? Do you calculate fuel stops and research interstate gas stations/coffee stops, all in an attempt to “maximize efficiency?” (If you have actually read gas station reviews online, or consider a particular gas station because it has a great view AND donuts, you might need immediate medical attention.)
• Do you use terms like “maximize efficiency” when you talk about your vacation? Do you do this out loud … with your family … to the point that they consider a restraining order? Do you envision yourself as one of history’s great generals giving a rousing speech to your troops — “People, vacations are hell. You can’t maximize efficiency with stops to relieve your bladder!”?
• Have you found yourself laying out your clothes for the entire trip? Have you tried to match boxer shorts to various activities you have planned? “I really think the pinstripes scream ‘canoeing,’ while the blue checks give a ‘day at the zoo’ vibe.”
• Do you find yourself researching and developing vacation emergency plans, like how to find decent tacos in a rural part of the state? “Yelp says they sell SPAM quesadillas. I better mark that down just in case.”
• Do you already know what you will eat for breakfast the morning of the big day? Is it completely horrible, but designed for nutritional “maximum efficiency” like tuna fish eggs with strawberries, coffee grounds and carrots in a Ziploc baggie?
• Have you already apologized to your family for your planned grouchiness the morning of departure when you will wake them up at 3 a.m., complain relentlessly that no one is ready and accuse them of hiding the pinstripe boxers you plan to wear canoeing?