Ah, election season. Every time it comes around I tell myself, “Don’t get too involved. Don’t get pulled in. Take it slow this time. Only fools rush in.”
But I’m fascinated by election seasons, and in particular this one. All the twists and turns. The complete absence of issues or anything that could actually make American lives better. The insults. The strategies. The lack of strategies. How the things coming out of politicians’ mouths sound like textbook cases of oxygen deprivation.
And how, thanks to the Internet, you can spend your entire life reading story after story that tells you nothing new, even though it says, “Breaking news.”
“Breaking News: Trump declares chicken really did come before the egg. Will voters agree? Take the latest poll.”
Oh, I’m clicking on that story!
And that’s when you know you have an election problem. If you’ve ever found yourself sneaking peaks at returns from Iowa while at the dinner table or tip-toeing off in the middle of the night to see who won delegates in American Samoa (What IS American Samoa? I thought that was a kind of cookie!), you might be suffering from an election addiction. So this week I thought I would dispense a little advice: How to “break-up” with politics. Or at least slow it down.
• Remember: There is more to this life than delegates, campaign soundbites, debates and polls. Only a cable news pundit thinks there is nothing. Do you want to be like them? Do you see how much makeup they wear? They do that because they haven’t seen sunlight in so long that their skin is as translucent as a cave fish. Get out and get some fresh air, people!
• They’re really not that into you. Yes, yes, I know. It sure does seem that way by how much candidates call you, email you and send you love letters in the mail. (“I really need you!” “Together we can make beautiful music and finally change Washington!” “Come with me and I’ll give you the life we’ve always talked about.”) Sweet nothings? Uh uh. How about sweet somethings? But do they really want you to go to Washington with them? Give you your own private room in the White House and the Wi-Fi password? Come on.
• Understand that if your phone must be set to electrocute to prevent you from constantly refreshing your political news stream, you might have an actual problem. And the only way to eliminate it is to deal with it in a logical, rationale, holistic way: Replace it with something equally bad for you — like smoking or alligator wrestling or illegal drag racing.
• Get yourself a support group. There are hundreds, probably millions, of people who are as fed up with the election as you are. How do you find them? Just stand on a street corner and scream, “I hate politics. Help me break it from my life!” You will be swarmed by people willing to help.
• Recognize that politics is not good for your health, your sanity or your family life. Shoot, look what its done to actual politicians. Do you want to end up like them?