I guess there’s still time. You know, to make some resolutions I should have made. The big ones. The serious ones. The ones that didn’t make the cut. Because I resolved to do little things instead. Like drink more carrot smoothies or not blame my daughter for the cookie crumbs I left on the kitchen counter. (In my defense, it’s a 50-50 shot they’re hers!) But I go with the easy ones. Don’t you? There’s still time, though. Time to resolve to do the big ones, like these:
• Click on fewer “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” blog posts with theories about the movie. I’m a child of “Star Wars,” which means I’ve been totally hooked on the new film. Addicted is more like it. If anything comes up on the computer with “Star Wars” on it — “What kind of underwear do First Order stormtroopers wear?” — I click on it. And suddenly two days of my life are gone and I have a Jed-length beard. I need to realize it will be two years before the next movie and that no one on the Internet can tell me if Rey’s dad is really Chewbacca. No more links!
• Stop looking for new house projects. Every time I finish a major job around the house, I commend myself for a bad job done poorly and pledge to never take on another do-it-yourself disaster AGAIN. This pledge lasts all of 13 seconds before I notice some wood rot and think, “Hmm, maybe I should tear off the kitchen wall and install a Tie fighter landing pad …” DAMN YOU “STAR WARS”!!! Anyway, I never make good on my promises to let the house be, or to hire someone. Maybe this can be the year of letting my house fall apart. Or at least pay someone over to display poor carpentry skills and a knack for stepping on nails.
• Never go onto the east side of my daughter’s room again. Maybe it’s my dyslexia, but I always seem to forget this one. I go in to tell her goodnight and inevitably travel barefoot into that minefield of scattered toys and assorted sharp objects like a scene from “Home Alone.” As I scream and writhe on the floor, my daughter yells: “Dad! I just set up that Playmobil African vet clinic! Now the hyenas have gotten loose and will eat the gazelles!” Stay to the west, big dummy. Stay to the west.
• Be more patient. Because I’m not. In fact, I got so frustrated with how long it took to type this sentence that I almost deleted it and went for a nerve-calming donut. Patience is in short supply with me. I’ve never had time for it. It’s a luxury afforded to people with time on their hands. Not me. Or is it? Maybe it’s something I can learn. Like the Force. If I just click on a few more of those “Star Wars” blog posts …