As my younger brother prepares to turn 40, I thought I would take a moment to hand down some sage advice that I have acquired after two years in the “Enchanted Land of Four Decades:”
? If you’re going to have a mid-life crisis, make it a cheap one. I’ve been fortunate because my indecisiveness means I’ve never settled on the ideal mid-life crisis for me. And I will probably draw it out until I’m 62, when it will seem silly, absurd and just too time-consuming. But if you’re going to choose one, don’t go the expensive route. You know, crashing Ferraris or anything like that. Just take up drinking milk straight from the carton or diagnosing other people’s illnesses. Much cheaper that way.
? If people ask your age, don’t get upset. Just politely reply that “it’s none of their (insert curse here) business” and to get away from you because you’re about to have an unmedicated episode. That should solve it pretty quickly.
? Remember that 40 is only half way to 80. And consequently, 80 is only half way to 160. And if you calculate the square root of 160, it will require going and finding your calculator. By the time you find a calculator, you will have forgotten what you were thinking about in the first place.
? Remember that turning 40 is not the hard part. No, that’s actually quite easy. The ticking clock does all the work. The hard part is actually BEING 40. You know, a whole decade older. Another year closer to 80, which is only half way to 160, which is … wait a minute. Where did I put my calculator?
? Remember that age is all in your mind. Unfortunately, gray hair, aching joints and strange moles that resemble Harry Truman are not. They’re real and scary!
? Recognize that age alone doesn’t give you wisdom. No, that comes from experience, which is usually code for what you learned from a disastrous and costly mid-life crisis (as covered above.) So go ahead and skip wisdom, too.
? Turning 40 can sometimes become a time to reflect on all that you have, or haven’t, done. It can make you mourn what you’ve lost — youth! — or grow depressed that you’ve failed to accomplish some of your major goals — like that world record for most peanut butter pretzels consumed while drunk! But never dwell on what you’ve lost, or what you haven’t done. Remember that when you were young, you were also pretty stupid. Proof of that is how you spent all your time dreaming up world records that involved peanut butter pretzels and intoxication.
? Whatever you do, no matter how much it pains you, don’t turn 40 and start giving sage advice. It’s a great way to make everyone angry. People will think you’re nothing but an old know-it-all who should learn how to wreck expensive Ferraris like responsible, less-annoying 40 year olds. So with that, I say happy birthday and good luck!