Memo
To: Future-self
From: Still-recovering-present-self
Subject: Newly established policies for Thanksgiving
It has come to management’s attention that there were several “incidents” during this year’s preparation, serving and general devouring of Thanksgiving dinner that require addressing in order to prevent future calamity and general discomfort. After further review, it has been decided that new policies should be put in place in order to avoid a repeat of the above-stated familial mayhem that ensued. These new policies should not be viewed as a punishment, but instead guideposts to make future holidays are festive events, rather than an additional stop for local law enforcement or rescue personnel.
Policy No. 3502 — All dinner guests shall be given cards upon entering that include this text: “Dear guest, It is widely understood that Thanksgiving is a joyous and wonderful occasion. Therefore, please refrain from all yelling, kicking, screaming, or general debating of subject matter that lacks relevance or will generally bore the pants off of a common citizen. These subjects may include: Why car bumpers are so flimsy. What the 12th century Greek battle of Yackamenethes says about the 2016 presidential election. Pointing out guests who have added belt buckle notches to account for overeating. Yapping dogs.”
Policy No. 3503 — This Thanksgiving mantra shall be repeated over and over: “I can choose my friends, but I can’t choose my family.”
Policy No. 3504 — Staff shall always be courteous and customer service-driven. This specifically means that when guest after guest enters the kitchen to ask, “So … whatcha’ cookin’?” the appropriate response will be: “A lovely Thanksgiving dinner for you, my loved one,” not: “YOU! … if you don’t get out of my kitchen!” In addition, guests should never be threatened with wire whisks caked in gravy clumps. This just previews the fact that the gravy is lumpy.
Policy No. 3505 — Drinking on the job is from here on out expressly and unequivocally required. Breathalyzer testing shall be enforced.
Policy No. 3506 — All employees shall remember to not only give thanks, but to take time to look out upon the assembled guests with love, admiration and heartfelt joy for being part of such a wonderful (albeit strange and at many times confounding) group of individuals. For we must always appreciate the bounty we are given — as crazy as they may be — as they are our family, and no one else will have them on this special day.
Policy No. 3507 — See if your brother can host next year.
By following these new policies, we can ensure that future Thanksgivings are a resounding success, and that no one ends up in the pokey, or a straight jacket. Thank you.