I’m a guy who fancies himself a real do-it-yourselfer. Just enough knowledge to take on large household construction projects, yet not enough to do them competently. This past weekend I laid down more than 400 square feet of new hardwood flooring in my old house. Hundreds of little blocks of wood needed to be positioned just right. Thousands of air-fired nails had to be pounded in. And one dog had to be so traumatized by the sounds of an air compressor that she stole the car.
Rewarding? Ask my permanently-hunched-over back. But on the whole, yes.
Which is why I’m here to give you some reasons why you, too, not only can, but should become a DIY master and take on a hardwood floor project yourself:
• Your back, thighs and hands will love you for it. My hands are still partially numb from all the hammering and gripping. I have splinters the size of vampire stakes. And even three days later, my legs feel like they’re made of concrete. I have consumed more ibuprofen than some states will go through in a year, and I still can’t feel two toes.
• You will finally understand what “DIY” REALLY stands for. It’s not “do-it-yourself,” but “done-it-yet?” Because it will take you twice, or four times, or possibly infinitely longer than you ever expected. Because you have no sense of “project” time. And you’re optimistic and ambitious, and ultimately, pretty stupid. You think to yourself, “I have a football game to watch. I’ll just finish this by noon and have time to crack open a beer.” And the universe laughs and doubles the time it takes until you break down in a puddle of tears.
• People will marvel at your work. Say how wonderful a job it is and how good they look. But really they’re just thinking, “Man! Why didn’t you just hire a professional like normal people!?!”
• Real men love tools and air compressors and cleat nailers, even if they don’t know what the heck a cleat is. Or why you would ever consider nailing one into your expensive hardwood. Real men also like to hit their fingers with hammers and accidentally nail their own shoes to the floor. And in case you haven’t noticed, real men aren’t always the smartest. In fact, research has shown real men have shorter lifespans than more evolved (aka, professional-hiring) men.
• The sense of self-accomplishment you get when the project is over and your new gleaming floors are there for the world to see. And the colossal mental breakdown you will have when the dog races through the room at high speed for the first time, leaving what looks like a plowed field behind thanks to her scraggly nails. All the money you saved on doing it yourself can now be used for a good psychologist … and a chiropractor.
Job well done!