The refrigerator in my house is so old that that you still stuff blocks of ice in the bottom to cool it. Well, not that old, but pretty darn close. It does the trick — chills food — but we’ve been thinking it’s time to replace the old boy.
And I’m realizing the hard way that a lot goes into buying a refrigerator these days. Refrigerators might be the most technically complex appliances in the house, and you have to first understand the hundreds of different configurations, options, sizes and styles before making a decision.
So I thought I would share a few of my tips to help other refrigerator buyers navigate these chilly waters:
• For starters, don’t be afraid of all the new technology — the bells with even fancier whistles. In fact, choose a fridge that has more buttons and digital displays than a space shuttle. That way, if anyone from NASA ever visits your house, they will be duly impressed.
• Don’t worry about budgets or what you can afford. PSHAW! Because the minute your wife sees the one with the wine chiller and foot massager that is $1,000 more than you planned to spend, that’s all out the window anyway.
• Show off in front of the salesman by asking lots of well-researched and knowledgeable questions. Here are a few examples: “So, does this one get, like, really cold?” “What kind of gas mileage does this baby get?” and “If this one is shinier than that one, does that mean it’s better?”
• Do some consumer satisfaction research by reading all online reviews. And even if 400 people give a unit five stars, only trust the one crazy review with a comment that reads: “This refrigerator was OK. But on the second night it started chanting to Heqet, the Egyptian goddess of frogs. The cat no longer goes in the kitchen. The icemaker spits fire and the water dispenser only gives you grapefruit juice. I HATE GRAPEFRUIT JUICE!!!! Do not buy this demon spawn refrigerator. It also doesn’t have vegetable humidity controls.”
• Once you have it all set — all the pricing, all the deals, all the brands and models — head down to the store with your wife. Have really big smiles on your faces because you have been wise and smart and prepared. Feel proud, and even smug, knowing you found the best price. Good job, people. You’re awesome! This is critical. That way, when the salesman tells you, “Oh, well, this one is no longer available,” you can have a proper tectonic meltdown, ferocious enough to shake aisles and bring out store security. And as they drag you away in a straightjacket, don’t forget to ask why if it’s unavailable they still have it on display.
• Finally, when the salesman later tries to direct you to another model — one that chants to Egyptian gods and dispenses grapefruit juice — thank him for his time and begin the entire process over from tip No. 1.