It’s August. It’s hot. The most miserable month in Florida is upon us. People drag themselves about the streets like sloths, dripping in sweat. Our greetings grow more and more testy as the month goes on. “Your face offends me!” is often heard for no good reason.
We all hate August. We all dread it. September can never come soon enough. August isn’t a month to “live.” It’s a month to “get through.” The best August is the one you see in the rear view mirror. “Fairwell! Nobody liked you!”
But I submit that time is a precious commodity and that we should never wish it away. Not even a hot, horrid month like August. Because this is a month that defines us as Floridians. Without August, we’re just really tan people who like to wear flip-flops. But August is what makes us unique. Makes us tough. Makes us daredevils and warriors. We cut grass in this weather! We’re surviors! We’re Floridians! Hear our sweat roar!
So I offer you poor, suffering Floridians a few reasons why we shouldn’t dread August, but instead embrace it and thank it for making us who we are:
• Remind yourself that heat is good for the pores. In fact, heat will actually melt away your pores. Plus, people pay good money to have their hair curled. In our blistering heat and unbearable humidity, mother nature’s salon does it for free. I have curls on my head that could be used as springs on a semi truck.
• Have fun with the heat. Play the Sweat Stain game. Next time you see a large man in a sweat-soaked shirt, see if you can find famous actors, animals or even Elvis. Bonus points for anyone who spots a religious figure.
• Recognize that while some people walk on hot coals to show strength, courage and mental focus, we Floridians do something even more impressive: We grip a molten lava steering wheel when we drive. Sometimes when you forget to put the sunshade up, it can literally be on fire. But do we grimace? Heck no! We’re late to get back to work. So we just grab that thing, tear off in a mad rush and put balm on our heat blisters later. Take that, firewalkers! We’re August Floridians.
• Remind yourself that we chose to live here. That people all over the country are jealous of where we live. That whenever we want, we can go outside and get heatstroke and life-threatening dehydration and permanent sunspots on our retinas. Oh, and a little known medical-condition called “sun bone.” (That’s when your sunburn extends all the way down to your skeletal system … OK, I kind of made that up, but it feels that way.)
Remind yourself we’re the luckiest, the sweatiest and the toughest people on the planet. The August Warriors. The Summer Survivors! Now go drive your car like your hands are on fire and wear your humidity-curled hair proudly!
YAY AUGUST!