I was frankly ashamed and embarrassed when I read the headline online: �Many Americans see little point to Web?�
What is this country coming to?
Did I really read that right? Are there people out there who just don�t care about the Internet? Can it be? Don�t they understand how important it is? How it�s changing our lives and making the world a better place? How else are you going to watch videos of guys jumping bikes off buildings or singing cats?
Singing cats, people. Get with the program.
Believe it or not, there are a lot of people out there who don�t use the Internet. It was a Reuters story that said �a little under one-third of U.S. households have no Internet access and do not plan to get it.� Pshaw! Of these millions � in fact 31 million rebel households � most just don�t see why they need it in their lives.
Don�t see why they need it? Didn�t I just mention videos of singing cats? How about getting your identity stolen, contracting a computer virus or losing thousands of dollars in online poker or a Nigerian E-mail scam? You�re free to choose. You think you can get that through television or any other media source?
Come on! Become Internet junkies like the rest of us. We don�t NEED it in our lives � we WANT it there. That strange time warp feeling you get after spending hours in front of the computer screen looking at stuff you don�t really care about.
�I just spent two hours of my life on a site that teaches you how to train tarantulas to do the hokie-pokie. Yippee! I don�t even have a tarantula!�
But we do it. How about you?
I look up news on soccer from around the world. I pay my bills. I search out really strange stories that you can only find on the Web, like the dog that saw its owner choking, then jumped up and down on her chest until the obstruction was dislodged. The proud owner says the dog was performing its own version of the Heimlich. I say the dog was ticked off because she was lying on the floor instead of taking him for a walk.
Did you Internet-free people � you Web hermits � know this: In China they are turning fiber-rich Panda-poop into paper? Huh! I bet you�re just throwing away your panda poop when all along you could have been recycling it into home-made thank-you cards.
And I am sure you have not heard about the woman who was stopped on the Gaza-Egypt border when guards noticed she appeared �strangely fat.� When they checked her out, they found she had three 20-inch-long crocodiles strapped to her waist.
Why is this important to your life? Well, now you know that smuggling crocodiles into Gaza is not a real good career move. Not to mention they could get hungry and you could lose your spleen.
The Internet teaches you things. It can get you ahead in life. It is the future � how we will revolutionize our lives and end world hunger. (I think you can actually grow corn in there.) One day we will do everything across the World Wide Web, including sleep and travel. Won�t that be great. No more need to go to Paris when you can climb inside a plastic box with a shiny screen instead. Much more economical.
Not too long ago I read about a study that found many people are clinically addicted to the Internet. If they�re away from the computer or their E-mail too long, they get twitchy, agitated and their toenails fall off. They lash out and walk up to perfect strangers and say things like, �Hey buddy, can I score some broadband?�
See what 31 million households are missing out on? Trendy addictions. Carpal tunnel syndrome. Your vision going bad. Headaches. Tight shoulders. Not to mention forgetting your children�s names.
So get with the program. Get on the Net. There are enough singing cat videos for all of us.