Dear Santa,
How are you? I am fine. How is the weather up there in the North Pole? Did you get a vacation this year? I hope so. I hope you went somewhere nice and sunny. Did you get a suntan? You look really pale in your photos. Sunlight is very important for vitamin D.
Anyway, my daughter sends you lists every year. She makes out pretty well. Sure, she didn’t get the full-size Barbie Jumbo 747 with the Ken pilot last year, but only because you couldn’t land it on our street. We’re expecting the Public Works permit any day now, so gas that sucker up!
Anyhoo, I thought I would give it a shot this year, too. I’ve been good. I’ve been nice. I ate all my broccoli. So here is what’s on my Christmas list:
• Answers – To big questions. Like why is it when you’re running late for school and work, your child just sits at the table singing and drinking her orange juice one molecule at a time? And do children hear any of the 1,300 times we say, “Hurry up! We’re going to be late! Are you listening to me?!?” A simple “yes” or “no” in my stocking will suffice.
• The cure for my ant problem in the upstairs bathroom. Sugar ants! In a room that has no sugar! Are you kidding? Help me get rid of them, Santa! Please!
• A year round, 7-day-a-week, 24-hour elf technician hotline for my mother to call about computer issues.
• Hair that won’t fall off my dog. Do you have like a hair magnet for her?
• Appreciation — I know what you’re thinking: How in the heck are my elves going to make this? But I could use some. The ability to take nothing for granted. To appreciate every moment. To take it all in, and not worry about the small stuff. To remember what’s important in life, and not waste a single second on anything frivolous. Like sugar ants in my bathroom.
Seriously, my daughter is growing up. Turning 8 this Christmas. I want to fully appreciate the wonderful gift she has been to me. So do you make appreciation in pill form? Do you stock that?
That last one might just be the best gift of all. Is it too much? At least I didn’t ask for money! That could get you in trouble with the Feds. Anyway, thanks again and don’t forget to get some sun in the new year. Very important, that vitamin D.
Merry Christmas!