The world has heaped praise on one of the hottest new tech items out there — Apple’s iPhone. African Bushmen, who don’t even know what a phone is, are standing in line to buy one. The dead are coming back to life to take a look.
Some hail it as a device that will end global warming, detect buried treasure, give you a massage and full makeover, bring peace and riches to the world, drive your car, and, if you have the time, even make a phone call.
Me? I’m unimpressed. Yawn!
Why? It’s a phone. A very fancy, cool, hip, tricked out, full of stuff phone, but strip it down, and ultimately it’s just a tin can tied by string to another tin can.
Maybe it’s the age I am, but technology doesn’t impress me much anymore.
I’m not saying I don’t believe in technology, or use technology. One of my cars has satellite radio, and I love it. I can’t live without digital cable because I’m hooked on English soccer, and I only get music if it’s downloaded.
But that’s all stuff that’s useful and makes society (or at least my life) better. How can you say the same for a phone?
Phones are devices that people use to get in touch with you. I don’t want that. That’s why I don’t answer the phone. It’s a device I don’t like, and I certainly don’t need a super advanced one. We need to separate useful technology from frill technology — the high tech equivalent of ruffles on a tux. Do you really need ruffles on a tux?
Technology is out of control. I just read that Macy’s is experimenting with putting “interactive mirrors” outside of dressing rooms so people trying on clothes can send video to friends and basically ask if a pair of jeans makes their butt look big. Listen, first off, if you have to ask, it probably does.
Second, well, actually, that is kind of cool. Think of all the fun you could have at the office making fun of someone who has beamed you a video of them self trying on leather pants.
“He looks like a cross between Keith Richards and a water buffalo! I’m sending this to everyone.”
That’s a frill, though. It doesn’t help the person trying it on. Better would be an interactive mirror that gives you an unbiased opinion, something like, “Oh, honey, take that off right now. You’re frying circuits all the way to Hong Kong.”
That’s the problem with technology — it’s fun, but not practical.
There is some valuable technology out there. I’ve heard about a car that can parallel park itself. That’s useful. I wonder, though, if the software suffers from the same two afflictions that make humans so bad at it: parallel nervousness, when you get self conscious, over-gas it and end up three feet back on the sidewalk; or over-zealousness, when you believe you can park in any spot slightly larger than 2 inches wide at high speed starting two blocks away.
Can you picture this argument with your auto?
Driver: We’re not going to fit. A pencil couldn’t squeeze in there!
Car: Damn it, trust me! I saw this on TV.
Why aren’t we seeing more helpful auto-related technology along these lines. Maybe a device that wrenches cell phones out of a driver’s hand and chucks it out the window.
Why not a car that makes coffee for you? Why not a car that can change its own oil? Why not a car that when someone parks next to you and dings your door, it gets up and fights them? Now, that would be useful.
I guess my point is I don’t mind technology if you make it meaningful. I don’t want fun. I don’t want cool. I don’t need an all-in-one phone that will connect me when all I want is to disconnect. You want me to spend a couple hundred dollars? Make me the anti-phone — one that can’t make or receive any calls. Now that’s technology worth paying for.